The Roeboats

Book Worms

2012-01-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

I wanted to start a visual record of the books Sofie is reading. I am just going to jump into this week instead of trying to track back to the beginning.

The Jet - Kindergarten Beginnings by Ann Larson

The Big Mess - Kindergarten Beginnings by Ann Larson

These are Blue's favorite books right now that he is happy for anyone to read to him:

We're hoping to raise another generation of book worms! :)

Thoughts upon sailing to the Caribbean: Day One

2011-08-14T18:05:00.000-07:00

I am perpetually plagued by the smallness of my life. It is a subtle feeling that creeps over me in the quiet hours of the night when people contemplate their existence wrestling with doubt. Gazing out the grand paneled windows at the back of our cruise ship I see we are leaving behind a tremendous wake more than a mile long, and yet in the scope of this beautiful gulf we are swallowed up, barely a ripple on the crest of magnitude.

That is my life: here today, gone in the blinking of eye.

Even so, I feel a curious significance. The waters are a blue so achingly beautiful I can hardly stand to look away. The clouds are like delicate sculptures framing the sky. Every so often I see broken off clusters of seaweed bobbing in the waves. They hint at a secret life under the surface, hidden, yet intricate and fully developed. In this moment, I’m not lost in my own smallness. I bear an irrepressible smile knowing that the one who created such majesty, who designed the ocean and its life for his own good pleasure also created me.

I chafe at the structure of my personality. I am stubborn, opinionated, and more than a touch bossy. I find myself preoccupied with making it easy for people to be around me, but I sense I am like a morning vitamin - good for the body, but difficult to swallow. I am constantly trying to refashion myself into a meek and mild character, but right now, I am wondering why I’ve been so bent on changing who he made me. Did he delight in setting me as an immovable stone in a landscape of soft grass and bright flowers? Certainly he who filled the oceans and formed the mountains finds challenge and contrast charming.

What I’ve seen as an unrefined mess is perhaps better acknowledged as his jagged masterpiece embodying strength and displaying a beauty only understood for its inflexibility against harsh winds and harder times.

On my own I am definitively and without exception small, but in him and his love I find greatness.

A New Dream

2011-05-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

I think He’s doing it again - speaking to me in my dreams. I don’t clearly understand what to do. Please read with a prayerful heart, and tell me what you think. Perhaps I am being too sensitive, or perhaps you may help make things clear for me.

I lay down this afternoon to try to gather up strength before we spend time together tonight as a family. I had two things strongly on my mind before I slept.

The first was prompted by a book I’ve been reading which briefly alluded to the ills and excesses of the gilded age, and the mistreatment of the immigrant and the resulting deadly poverty of many children. The protagonist of the story acknowledges that something must be done, but does not seem to take any direct action so far as I have read.

I was also thinking about my son. I can never explain to anyone what joy fills my heart when I see him. I think about the miserable pregnancy I survived with him, and how he fought for life in the womb - my little survivor. His mere breathing fills me with joy. I fell asleep looking at his pink cheeks softened by sleep, and I felt peaceful.

Immediately upon falling asleep I felt an aggressive seizing of my attention. The dream felt erratic. I was at a hotel with my family, and in a separate room was my friend Cheryti and her family.

My husband moved the refrigerator in our room, and discovered beneath it a large hole leading into another room. I asked him if he felt it was safe to stay there with the hole in our room, and he responded only if you feel comfortable letting the enemy in to kill, steal, and destroy.

We walked down to the lobby to check out and complain, and there was a disturbance. An armed man ran through the hotel lobby, and my children were not near me. I was so afraid I ran out front after my children. I discovered the armed man was holding a gun to one of Cheryti’s children. (I have to stop and say it wasn’t truly one of her five children, but one of the children in her Ohana ministry.)

I began wailing. I chased him down and pulled the child out from his grasp. He began chasing my own children, and as I looked around the parking lot there were children everywhere of every color. They were crying out to me in so many languages I felt dizzy from overstimulation. I understood all of them. They were crying from so many dangers. I began snatching children close to me herding and sheltering them. Then everything began to swirl (I actually think this is because I have a wretched migraine in real life), and a stern almost angry voice commanded “Help the children Dee Dee.”

And then I woke up. All the nerves of my body tingling and hurting, my throat swelling, a migraine oppressing.

Did I push my self too far before sleeping? I am prone to worry. Is God speaking to me?

I prayed and asked God immediately if there was something wrong with Cheryti’s five children, and I felt immediately that he spoke to me no.

I then prayed and asked whether this dream was from him, and I cannot be as certain, but I felt perhaps he said “it is me.”

I then prayed and asked what could this mean? Do you want me to be a foster mother or adoptive mother? And I felt nothing. No voice. No assurance.

And then as I sat and let my nerves (literal nerves not my sensibilities) reset I keep hearing the refrain “speak out for the children.”

I am distressed. I don’t know if this is all in my head. I rather suspect not. But I honestly don’t know what children, and what needs to be said.

Please if you have wise advice, counsel, or interpretation I’d like to hear from you.

It's Always As Bad As You Remember

2011-04-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

My dryer has been acting wonky for about a year now. It started taking 2 sometimes 2.5 cycles for a load of clothes to dry. With four people in the house including a toddler who is part monkey we produce a lot of laundry. When I was sick last week the mountain became quite overwhelming.

BUT! I was struck with a brilliant idea. I will take it all to the laundry mat and finish it all at once!

I reasoned with myself; it can't be as bad as I remember. Surely it doesn't cost that much more than just paying for the water and electricity at home? There may be a bit of lint in the air, but I'm no snob. It would be so nice to have it all done! The children and I need to get out of the house anyway so this will be a fun adventure..

In some languages, adventure is the same word as torture.

I rounded up all the quarters I could find throughout the house, not exempting Sofie's college fund piggy bank. Then I loaded the car with my 8 baskets full of laundry (representing 2-3 washer loads each). Sofie assured me it was the nastiest smell she has ever smelled since the day daddy left milk in the car overnight. I have smelled far worse from her, but I held my tongue. After that, I stopped at the grocery store to get $20 in one dollar bills.

When we arrived at the laundry mat I was thrilled to find it empty! I unloaded the baskets of clothes, and settled the children down with their snacks. An attendant came out of his office and waved hello to me while I changed my dollars into quarters. After filling the first washer with clothes the attendant stepped out of a back room and informed me that their equipment wasn't working after the storms the night before, and that the lights were on because of the back-up generator.

I was tempted to ask why the door was unlocked. I was tempted to ask why the "open" sign was lit up. I was tempted to ask why he didn't stop me while I was unloading my clothes from the car into his building. Ah, but I smarter than to engage incompetent people. I determined that I would not be dissuaded from my task. Onward and upward! I drove to the next city, Waxahachie, and stumbled upon another laundry mat offering "free drying all week." "Wow," I thought. "They've probably hiked up the washing price, but how bad can it be?"

Very bad.

After unloading the car and children into the packed out washateria, I set out my large cup of quarters, singled out a row of 8 washers, poured in my soap, loaded up my clothes, and went to pay. Oh! The machines only take a laundry card. I glanced around and read the giant sign on the wall. "Purchase laundry card here - Free dryers all week." So I walked up to the wall, and read the tiny sign. "Machine only accepts $1 and $5 bills." Hmm. I turned back around to see my children scampering off to the scuzziest looking arcade that was likely covered in more germs than 6 flags over TX. Then a friendly woman tells me "I knew you were going to be upset when you read the sign. I saw you walk in with your cup of quarters."

Can't beat Southern hospitality.

So with all my family's clothes doused in soap and left vulnerable to the charming citizens of Waxahachie I decided to drive to the bank and exchange my quarters for dollars. Bank of America is right around the corner - perfect. Inside I drag the kids covered in lint, old candy bits, and general filth and we approach the counter. "We don't accept change." Excuse me? I'm befuddled. "You don't accept American currency in exchange for American currency?" "No. I'm sorry M'am. We stopped accepting change years ago." By that I can only assume she means I am an idiot for even asking such a lame question. Luckily, Walmart has no such qualms and was happy to exchange my change for a price. Down to $18.75 I rush back to the laundry mat and find that my clothes are safe EXCEPT for the load of reds which I see is now in the possession of a middle-aged woman with a little boy helping her load them into a garbage bag.

"Um, excuse me. Those are my panties you're putting in your bag." I said with as much seriousness as I could muster. "No, they're not." Honestly, I didn't want to get into the specifics. I almost told her how I pulled the tag off that one pair of panties and that's how the hole came to be in the seam, but I just felt SOME THINGS SHOULD STAY PRIVATE. Do I give in and let the lady steal my clothes, or do I bring out the crazy? So I grabbed the bag, and shouted "I'm sure that it gets real confusing up here with so many people washing clothes, but these are all the panties I own in the world and I am not dragging these kids back to the mall to buy panties until I lose at least 50 lbs!" Sigh. I should have told her about the tag.

Finally, all my clothes are being washed. I decide to check on the kids who I've left to a certain sense of Lord of the Flies with all the other children of the laundry mat. I feared for them having been brought up in such a quiet and stable home. As I rounded the corner to the arcade, I found my one year old pinning down a three year old Hispanic girl BY THE NECK, and and dangling what I am assuming was once her lollipop between his teeth. I didn't have to look for my daughter. She bounced up to me and proudly exclaimed for everyone's listening pleasure (she has a way of talking to a whole room all at once) "I got to play the race car game. That boy had a quarter, and he said he'd give it to me if I showed him my boobies." What mother wouldn't be proud?

Doing my best to tie my children to my hips with muttered threats and a leash I fashioned out of a sash, I changed the clothes from the washers to the dryers. Their free dryers. Let me back up and explain that there are at least 100 washing machines in this building, and a mere 20 dryers. Perhaps the dryers hold a bigger capacity you wonder? If ever a place could cure you of optimism. The dryers hold about half the capacity of the washers, and they run in 10 minute increments.

Just to keep things interesting the dryers have this quirk. They're stacked by 2's. So when you open the top dryer, the bottom dryer also stops. This wouldn't be a problem if you put both your loads in at about the same time, or say if your clothes were in both dryers. No. This is survival of the fittest, and 100 washing machines waiting on 20 dryers. As my sanity slowly unraveled I began to flirt with the idea of opening my dryers out of spite.

There was a cute elderly woman who didn't have time to wait on a dryer of her own so she kept opening everyone's dryers and throwing in a stray pair of pants, a sock, a camisole. I got her EEE bra, but who am I to complain?

When finally I'd had enough whining from the kids and other patrons of this fine establishment, I unloaded my 19 loads of semi-wet laundry and humbly packed them into the car. As I was bringing the last load out to my car, my one-year-old son on my hip in a football hold, I was stopped by a woman who said "Awww he's so cute." "Thanks. He's ready to go home." I said trying to excuse myself for not stopping to chat.

"Is he spacious?" She asked me with a big smile. "Spacious? Um. I'm sorry. I don't know what that means." Rolling her eyes, she muttered "Laundry mat people. SPACIOUS MEANS IT HAS A LOT OF SPACE. Is he spacious?"

...

"Do you mean my car?" I asked with bewilderment. "Yes. Is he spacious?" I couldn't even answer the question. I just told her that people don't typically refer to vehicles as "he."

I drove home, windows down, questioning my lot in life, wondering at what point my sanity had dribbled away down the drain. When did I become the idiot that someone talks to slowly and loudly? My thoughts were drowned out by a police siren. The policeman who pulled me over for littering said he figured it was a kid throwing underwear out the car, but either way I needed to put a stop to it. He only gave me a warning. I kind of wish it said "No more underwear out the window." That would be a FB picture for sure.

I came home, and recounted the whole story to my sympathetic husband. He helped me to see that my whole day was spacious. Spacious being one of those special names that people come up with for their children: a combination of special and precious. The laundry-mat is spacious (so is the bank for that matter). I shall never grace it's hallowed walls again. I have learned its timeless message and I shall never forget it - it's always as bad as you remember.

How Much Do You Weigh?

2011-03-27T18:49:00.001-07:00

You'll have to jump in the middle of this story. I turned 30 this year. I joined a gym. My friends call it "bringing sexy back."

I'd settle for a lot less.

Every time I go to the gym I do the same thing. I walk into the women's restroom, check to make sure my hair is tied down well and that there is nothing conspicuous on my clothing from 2 grubby children and a messy car, and I weigh in. Then I walk up the stairs and choose a cardio machine to assault for 30 minutes or so.

Last week I arrived at a busy time, and the only machines open were a stair-stepping machine which usually reduces me to a sweating, quivering, crying husk within 5 minutes, and an elliptical sandwiched between a woman with a hacking cough (I have worked out near her a dozen times and always HACK COUGH SPIT) and a man too handsome for his own good.

Anyway, I figured awkward and annoyed had to be better than being carried out to my car on a stretcher. So I wiped down my machine, and pushed Quick Start. "Target Heart Rate" Still pumping. "How much do you weigh?" Nobody's business. "How old are you?" ... Can you believe I looked over my shoulder to see if Mr. Handsome was looking?

29. I typed 29! I may as well be 15 for all the maturity I felt.

I don't know what happened. I stuffed myself into pants that are older than my children and a slightly used tshirt of M's, drove my mom car, wrangled my two wild monkeys into the nursery, faced the humiliation of publicly entering my weight, and then could not bring myself to tell a machine and a random man that I was 30 years old.

As I walked in place for 30 minutes working up a sweat and trying to ignore the ads for pizza delivery flashing across the screens, I contemplated what all this said about me. Am I too old for what little I've accomplished? Am I too concerned with what others think? Maybe not enough?

In a way I felt a solidarity with most other women. I turned 30 with a fair amount of dread and had now taken up lying about it. Perhaps there is a somewhat secret desire to not drop pounds as I work out, but to peel back years of my life.

In any case, I have plenty of time left at the gym to ruminate on my odd behavior.

Say a prayer for the lady with the hacking cough. Seriously. I don't know if my patience will outlast her cough.

An Idea Man

2011-01-30T13:37:00.000-08:00

This afternoon my doorbell rang, a smiling neighborhood kid probably 8 or 9 years who looked slightly familiar stood there loosely grasping a glass jar - a definite twinkle in his eye.

"What can I do for you little man?" I asked, wondering if an errant frisbee or ball had landed in my backyard.

"M'am, I see you have a bug problem." This was news to me. I tried to get a better look at his glass jar imagining some horrible poisonous insect inside just waiting to pounce on me or run into my house and wreak havoc.

"You have a bug problem, and you're a girl. You probably don't want to take care of it yourself. That's where I come in," he said proudly nodding his head with confidence.

I have to admit - I don't "do" bugs. I stick to traditional gender roles: men - killer of bugs, women - screamers for help.

"Well, what's my bug problem and how are you going to fix it?" I asked.

He explained to me that my yard is full of grasshoppers, spiders, lady bugs, and "who knows what else!!" And he had the perfect solution. Enter the murky glass jar, and its resident (terrified) lizard.

"Where'd you get the lizard? This isn't your family pet your mother is going to come knocking on my door looking for at 6 in the morning is it?" I asked with that motherly knowing tone I've perfected on my own kids.

"Well, I, um.. he actually came from your porch."

Wait, my porch? "Are you saying you captured what bug protection I already had in place, and planned to sell it to me?"

"Um, what you don't know can't hurt you?" he squeaked out with a decent amount of shame.

I have to admit - I like the kid. I think he's spunky and creative, if not a tiny bit deceitful.

I told him I'm not really in the market for bug protection, but I always need help with my yard and because he's an idea man he's going to keep a journal of new games I can play with my kids and sell them to me $1 a page. I figure the writing will be good for him, and I can always use good company.

Money well spent, and my lizard is back on the pillar keeping us all safe from who knows what.

Anyway, if you need bug protection I know a guy. You just have to supply your own lizard.

If I've said it once

2011-01-29T15:13:00.000-08:00

As a mother to young children I find that I can get by on just the most rudimentary of math skills, and a really just a few simple phrases that need repeating a few hundred times each day.

10. Blow your nose instead of sucking those boogers back in.

9. Don't hit: your brother, your sister, the door, the wall, the window, me, my eye, your dad..

8. We don't eat food off the floor.

7. Walls are not for writing. (Interchangeable with finger-painting or stickers.)

6. Do not bring home a gift, treat, toy, candy for only one of our children.

5. Sleep is not the enemy.

4. I can't understand you when you: mumble, talk with your mouth full, scream like a banshee, cry like a baby, or yell at me from the other room.

3. Yes you have to: wear underwear, brush your teeth, comb your hair, and wash your hands no matter how many times you've done it before.

2. I'm sorry I'm late. My kid: threw up, had a diaper situation, played hide and seek with my keys, refused to get dressed, won an award for the most dramatic breakdown ever..

1. no. No. NO. NONONONO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

It's the little things like -

No you can't jump off the back of the couch into a bucket of bubbles you made out of the laundry soap that was on a shelf higher than I can reach when I had my back turned for 42 seconds chasing down your brother who wrote on the wall, played with scissors, ate out of the trash can, and hid my cell phone so I can't call for backup.

that I didn't expect to have to say so often. Sigh. No telling what they've accomplished in the four minutes it took me to jot this down. ;)

Takes One to Know One

2010-12-27T18:23:00.000-08:00

How to tell your child is bossy: she randomly approaches you, and asks "How did God get to be everybody's boss?" You reply "He always has been, and always will be." To herself "We'll just see about that..."

How to tell she gets it from you: you go to Target to do a return. As you approach the counter she parrots "I'm sure you're a very nice person and want to be competent, but I need to see your manager. RIGHT MOMMY?"

Maybe I will be a better influence on the second one..

December Update

2010-12-18T15:34:00.000-08:00

A few random things to share.

The other day M brought home his paycheck from Apple, and came in the door saying "I bringeth home the bacon." About 30 minutes later I served everyone spaghetti for dinner. Sofie said "Oh I'm just having the bacon daddy brought home." I tried to explain to Sofie it was just a saying/joke. She responded "Mommy, we don't joke about bacon." Understood..

Blue takes everything we hand him and passes it to his left hand, or as M says "the correct hand." We may have another South Paw in the family.

M is turning 31 Monday. No fear. No trembling. Just pride. Oh to be a man for a day. :)

Both kids like to jump on, off, and climb everything in my poor abused house. :) I've noticed that Sofie always jumps feet first, and Blue always jumps head first. Let's see how this pans out as they age.

Blue has learned many new words this last month. Some favorites: hand, duck, hop, go. He also has two go to sentences: "I wanna go home" and "What did I do?" This leads to much laughing from M and I. :)

Yesterday at Target Sofie introduced herself to a little girl who looked to be about 3. "My name is Sofie. I'm 4. That's bigger than you. This is my brother Andrew. He's cute with curly hair like mine. I have to tell people he has curly hair because he got it cut, and now you can't see the curls. My momma cried after it got cut. I'm not allowed to talk about butts. What's your name?" And the other girl looks at her mom and says (with a mildly shocked look) "Do I tell that my name is Sophie or that I am not allowed to shake my butt?"

KIDS CRACK ME UP.

I can't believe 2010 is slipping away so quickly. There is still so much I want to file under this year. I need to learn to make (eggless) sugar cookies with the kids so I can pass along that tradition, make Christmas dinner, mail out my Christmas cards, clean my car (yes that happens about once a year), see family, wrap presents, and those sorts of things.

I don't know if I will post again before 2010 runs out. I don't really know what to say about this year, except that I am glad I lived through it. I am looking forward to 2011.

I am expecting God to heal me.

I am expecting to grow in my faith.

I am expecting to minister God's love and teach His word.

I expect to start homeschooling Sofie in January.

I am expecting to teach Andrew his colors, animals, body parts, and good manners.

I am expecting to dazzle M with my listening skills and a mouth full of blessings.

Pray for me.

I will continue to pray for you all.

Merry Christmas. Happy Birthday Jesus.

2010 Christmas Card

2010-12-02T06:58:00.001-08:00

Seasonal Chic 2010 Christmas 5x7 folded card

Make a statement with Shutterfly Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

If You Can

2010-11-30T22:43:00.000-08:00

Every few months I get the urge to clean, purge, and organize our home. I scour cabinets and closets, categorize books and magazines, systematize medicines, and ruthlessly look every clingy stuffed animal in its pitiful eyes.

I think the compulsion comes from years of chaos growing up when I would obsessively clean to try to take some burden off my parents and brother. I felt a tangible sense of control after rearranging and assessing and the physical space achieved after getting rid of things freed up precious mental and emotional “space.”

This week has been one of those weeks when I am craving mental space. There is so much going on in my relationships and with my (lack of) health. I wake up and try to stop the thoughts from rushing in. I have to cry out to God to protect me from my own worry and circumstances.

My house has been under assault.

I have cajoled and pressed my family into deconstructing their rooms and collections throughout the house. I sit impatiently next to them sharing the advice of one who doesn’t cherish physical objects. Most often I remind them, “if you can let it go - you should.”

Indeed. My inner turmoil is far more critical than the outward, and the answer is staring me in the face.

If you can - let it go.

If you can give our hurt and pain and stress over to God - let it go. If you can forgive and move on - you absolutely should.

But perhaps you can’t. Sometimes letting go is honestly too much to ask. So you assess. You make new boundaries. You figure out something that will work for you. It makes little sense to see a problem and just let it build day after day until you become used to living in confusion and disarray.

There are so many projects I want to tackle right now. I am ready to pass on baby clothes and gadgets to a nesting mom. I am curious how 3 feet of random belongings have piled up in the luggage closet. I want to reassess and reorder the arts and crafts cabinet, but I must deal with my spiritual house first.

It has been under assault. I need to let go of some petty things done by people I still love, and want to continue to be in fellowship with. I need to forgive myself of some failures.

Sadly, I need to put up some new boundaries. There are some people that just won’t stop hurting you until you let go of the ideal of them, and then you find that they don’t belong within your boundaries at all. Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”

I’m shaking out rugs and sweeping behind appliances looking for thoughts and attitudes that don’t belong in someone with the mind of Christ. I am letting go of my old patterns, and clinging as hard to Jesus as I know how. I am finding that the mental space I so desperately crave can only be found in casting my cares on Him, and submitting to the establishment of His ways. He speaks across the tossing waves of my soul, and calm erupts. In Him I find rest and peace, and space to be me.

Holding On

2010-11-20T21:09:00.000-08:00

Psalm 27 (in part)

The Lord is my light and my salvation -

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life -

of whom shall I be afraid?

One thing I ask of the Lord,

this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

and to seek Him in His temple.

For in the day of trouble

He will keep me safe in His dwelling;

He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle

and set me high upon a rock.

Though my father and mother forsake me,

the Lord will receive me.

Teach me Your way, O Lord;

lead me in a straight path

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Psalm 30 (an excerpt)

LORD my God, I called to you for help,

and you healed me.

You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;

you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;

praise his holy name.

For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may stay for the night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.

You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth

and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.

LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 147 (in parts)

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.

He determines the number of the stars

and calls them each by name.

Great is our Lord and mighty in power;

His understanding has no limit.

The LORD sustains the humble,

but casts the wicked to the ground.

His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,

nor his delight in the legs of the warrior;

the LORD delights in those who fear him,

who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Psalm 23 (KJV)

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul:

he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through

the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me

in the presence of mine enemies:

thou anointest my head with oil;

my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life:and

I will dwell in the house of the LORD

FOREVER.

Amen.

I dreamed of death

2010-08-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago I dreamed that death was a figure sitting in a canoe in the middle of a quiet lake. It was shadowy and mysterious. I want to say that death was ugly and aggressive and hateful, but I wasn’t afraid. We just watched watched each other, neither moving. Death was aware of me, and I was not surprised by its closeness.

I received distressing news yesterday. The steroids have not worked to put the Churg-Strauss into remission in more than a year. My eosinophils continue to be elevated, and my labs have started to show some damage to my liver. The treatment has become a liability.

We are switching tactics, becoming more aggressive. I am going to start methotrexate in combination with the hated Prednisone. I can hardly wrap my mind around the idea of ingesting poison to make myself well.

I feel that I should be reeling, but instead I am looking out across the lake - curious.

I see the sun rising and I marvel at the beauty of God’s creativity. I delight in the warmth and crispness of a new day. I have always wondered if God set the sunrise in motion unattended, or whether He joyfully paints the sky with brilliant color each morning.

Either way, I can sense His pleasure with what He has created.

I sometimes worry about my own smallness. I am not destined to be great. Both the world and the church have laughed at my desire to be more than completely ordinary. All my life I have been put in my place by neglect, abuse, disinterest, manipulation, and fear.

And yet, He adores me. He may have set nature in motion and left it to cycle and recycle, but not me. His Word speaks to me. He is in my heart and mind correcting me, rebuking me, comforting me, and transforming me.

Created in His image, and conformed to His likeness.

Disease may take my life, but it can only deliver me utterly into His arms. Fear may threaten to overwhelm me, but I trust Him.

Psalm 112

Penpals

2010-08-17T08:15:00.001-07:00

Throughout my childhood my father was in the Army, and so were all my friend's fathers too. That combined with ever-changing economics led to a lot of moving around. I often felt my heart was strewn out across the world wondering what had happened to so and so, curious if I was missed. My mother's advice was always to write whichever friend was on my mind. She's always been a master at long-distance relationships, and never lets go of a friend. For the most part, I tend to be a love the one you're with type.

I have made so many friends over the years and across the continents and states that I feel I could write a book about the art and grace and necessity of making friends. And yet ... I am so deeply envious of the experience of living in just one place, knowing a person from year to year, and them knowing me too. Sustaining friendship.

There are a few friends I've never forgotten, a family member here and there who I've managed to keep close to my heart through the art of letter writing - the handwritten type. The type that says I purposed to communicate with just you. My hand hurts a bit because I felt the need to stop and share a part of my life with you. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you, and I cared. My grandmother and I shared correspondence until the week she passed away. It meant intimacy and love to me.

A friend recently invited Sofie to join a penpal group with her son, and today she received her first mail. She was so joyful when she saw her name on the letters. It reminded me of the letters I would receive back in the mail, the anticipation and delight of tearing it open and peering into someone else's heart and mind for a moment.

I dearly hope we can provide a life for her with lasting friendships and closeness to family. Most of all, I'd like her to know God and find the human need for being known and loved fulfilled.

I want to share her first letter with you. It was typed by me (except her name), but is entirely her own words.

"Hola A.,

I'm talking to you in Spanish. It's a different language.

Thank you for your letter. I am going to type my name. It is Sofie. I am four-years-old. I have a brother, Andrew, who likes to play everyday. He is one-year-old.

I like Dora, Tico Squirrel, Isa Iguana, and Boots so much. Have you ever seen Dora? Do you have Netflix on your computer or no? My mom lets me watch Dora on her computer sometimes.

I want you to see a penguin wallowing in a bad mood. I want you to see an octopus dancing on your foot with all 8 octopus feet. Did that crack you up?

I like your drawing so much. One side looks like a swimming pool with people about to jump in. I hope they have underwear.

I love to color and play outside too, especially golf. I like my new croquet set my mom bought me at a garage sale. You need to put the giraffe in the ground, and hit the ball through the giraffes legs, and then you win. Garage sales are very very hot, but daddy will give you money for them and not for stores.

Thank you for sending your picture. You and C. look very handsome. Girls aren’t handsome you know.

Do you count stars at night? It helps me go to sleep.

That’s a lot of words.

Adios and Matios,

Sofie"

Isn't she charming? :)

After helping her write letters, and draw pictures this morning I was inspired to look up my dearest childhood penpal on FB, and I found her! I can't wait for her to see my friend request. I have an obnoxious cassette we recorded of ourselves singing (hardly), and me bossing her endlessly. Where does Sofie get it from?

I'm so happy the internet makes the world seem smaller and friends closer.

Love to you all, Dee2

Worst Momma Day Ever

2010-08-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying I am not comparing myself to those moms that abuse, abandon, or neglect their children. I mean the rest of us. Those that love our kids so much it hurts. They bring us sunshine, fulfillment, and purpose. We find it hard not to bring them up in every conversation. We’re sure our child is the most clever, athletic, charming, beautiful child that ever lived. We put our own needs aside to serve, discipline, and nurture our children. I am that kind of mother.

And yet, today I failed: myself and my child.

I have some excuses. You may even sympathize. I had already folded so many loads of laundry I’d lost count except that I knew there were at least a dozen dryer sheets left to be gathered off the living room floor. I was standing in the bathroom mopping up a puddle of urine left by a four-year-old that likes to wait until the last possible second to run to the bathroom, and then some. My one-year-old was screeching and scratching my ankles because he was overtired and hurting from the two teeth pushing through his gums. I’d spent the day redirecting, supervising time-out, spanking, and clinging to the patience that seemed determined to slip through my grasp. I could feel the mounting stress of a to-do list that never ends, and no sign of rest on the horizon. A few immature and rude comments from my mostly wonderful husband put me over the edge.

I’d had it. I was sweaty, smelly like the dust and dirt and grease I’d scrubbed from chairs and cabinets and floors, and as exhausted as the baby rubbing his eyes and pulling his hair now hanging off my hip.

Wearily, I announced “I AM LEAVING. I need a break.”

From the other room I could hear the husband ask (what seemed antagonistically to my overtired brain) “Ha. When do you plan to get back to all this?”

So I grumbled, “how about never,” grabbed my purse, and walked outside. I got as far as the stairs out front, and sat down dreaming of a quiet hotel room that I didn’t clean, a nice meal at a restaurant that I didn’t cook, and maybe a novel: one that didn’t pop-up, sing songs, or come with colorful pictures.

What I didn’t know was my sweet tender-hearted four-year-old had heard me grumble. She was sitting in the window with the weight of the world on her shoulders watching to see if I would come back inside.

Taking just enough time to gather my sanity, maybe four minutes, I slipped back inside mentally re-prioritizing my to-do list. I’d just decided the baby needed me most when my four-year-old came around the corner weeping. When I asked her to sit down and tell me what was wrong, she could barely choke out the words “you said you were never coming back. I prayed Jesus would send you home. I am so sad. My heart is slipping away.”

Sigh. Worst Momma Day Ever. It doesn’t get much worse than shaking the foundation of trust and security in your little one.

I pulled her on my lap, and told her how sorry I was. Cuddling, we had a long talk about sin and mommy learning to control her mouth. (Ouch.) The baby crawled over and fell fitfully asleep on my lap. We just sat in the hallway, and set to right our seemingly out-of-control world piece by piece, prayer by prayer.

I couldn’t bear to let her out of my sight the rest of the day, and I have a feeling she felt the same way. When I put her to bed tonight, I had to sit in the hallway and talk to God. I feel this deep hurt wondering if this will be one of the memories that will stick out in her mind instead of all the fun and normalcy of our daily lives.

I am still trying to wrap my mind around the enormity of being a mama. I can tell I am going to need a lot more grace both in giving out and for myself. I can’t promise to stop caring about a messy house and the frustrating repetitive tasks of mothering little people; but I do intend to take a break before my self-control snaps under the weight of chores. Next time I will bite my tongue off before I use it as a weapon of sarcasm and stress. I will sit down and make sure my kids, friends, and husband know that I am human and I too have limits and needs. I will rest.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord guards the city, the guard keeps watch in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved." (Psalm 127:1-2)

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." (Isaiah 30:15)

Excerpt from "Letter from a Birmingham Jail [King, Jr.]

2010-07-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

"There was a time when the church was very powerful--in the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed. In those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society. Whenever the early Christians entered a town, the people in power became disturbed and immediately sought to convict the Christians for being "disturbers of the peace" and "outside agitators."' But the Christians pressed on, in the conviction that they were "a colony of heaven," called to obey God rather than man. Small in number, they were big in commitment. They were too God-intoxicated to be "astronomically intimidated." By their effort and example they brought an end to such ancient evils as infanticide and gladiatorial contests. Things are different now. So often the contemporary church is a weak, ineffectual voice with an uncertain sound. So often it is an archdefender of the status quo. Far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is consoled by the church's silent--and often even vocal--sanction of things as they are.

But the judgment of God is upon the church as never before. If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century. Every day I meet young people whose disappointment with the church has turned into outright disgust.

Perhaps I have once again been too optimistic. Is organized religion too inextricably bound to the status quo to save our nation and the world? Perhaps I must turn my faith to the inner spiritual church, the church within the church, as the true ekklesia and the hope of the world. But again I am thankful to God that some noble souls from the ranks of organized religion have broken loose from the paralyzing chains of conformity and joined us as active partners in the struggle for freedom. They have left their secure congregations and walked the streets of Albany, Georgia, with us. They have gone down the highways of the South on tortuous rides for freedom. Yes, they have gone to jail with us. Some have been dismissed from their churches, have lost the support of their bishops and fellow ministers. But they have acted in the faith that right defeated is stronger than evil triumphant. Their witness has been the spiritual salt that has preserved the true meaning of the gospel in these troubled times. They have carved a tunnel of hope through the dark mountain of disappointment. I hope the church as a whole will meet the challenge of this decisive hour."

I pray God would continue to challenge your hearts and mine with the injustices of our hour. I pray for creative, loving, and brave responses for the needs we see. Let us drag whomever we find in darkness through His tunnel of hope and redemption. Let us be extremists for love and the extension of justice. I pray that God would speak to each of our feminine hearts how we might uniquely and purposefully show His mercy, compassion, comfort, and love to this hurting world. Amen!

He speaks in hurricanes

2010-04-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

I have a new recurring dream.

I'm still being chased, but now it's a monstrous hurricane with 12 spiraling tornados stretching across entire cities that is after me. Destruction is clearly imminent, and yet I am still running. Running because I am hopeful that I can escape, yet torn sometimes because I am confronted with leaving my children briefly to secure a safe future for them.

I should back up and mention that I have had recurring dreams (mostly nightmares) since I was 4 years old. I have never known what to make of them. I am deeply skeptical, and dream interpretations fall squarely into my idea of wacky.

Every once in a while my frustration with these dreams oozes out, and last week a dear friend encouraged me to look up the significance of being chased in dreams. I read with uncomfortable clarity that they are a common theme pointing to anxiety and avoidance. I admit it.

I have been avoiding dealing with people.

People who push and crush my boundaries with a capricousness born out of self-importance. I don't mean that I avoid them. I avoid "dealing" with them. I have excused immaturity, padded myself with neglect, and borne increasingly heavier measures of false guilt. I have been a toxic waste dump for some, and still a worn out pack-horse for others.

Is it any wonder I wake up covered in sweat with tensed muscles and feel that I get no rest? Perhaps it isn't far-fetched to think God is trying to speak to me in a dream when I have refused to listen in consciousness. Sigh.

So the new dream. No longer I am hounded by a person, but nature itself has set out to destroy me. This time I was listening. I'm avoiding Churg-Strauss Syndrome.

More pointedly - death.

I have had days of late when faith is a challenge. When I feel that I can't take one more disappointing lab result. When the pressing weight of opening one more hospital bill anchors me below the surface and I can't breathe in God's peace and love. I can't breathe period.

My mind grapples with questions of faith and stumbles around an apologetic mine-field.

Then there are moments when I shake my fist at death and the grave. The stubborness that travels the corridors of my soul bursts out and declares that

I TRUST GOD!

even when I can't catch my breath. I trust God when I have promised to pay for bills that I fear will outlive me. I trust God even when His plan for me is painful, and the road He sends me down is dark and lonely.

I trust God knows better than I, even though I am humiliated by my own frailty of mind and body. It feels foolish, but I believe in Heaven. This life has been a great disappointment to me full of pain and many sorrows, but I trust that points to another place my soul was meant to be.

I don't want to ignore the questions that come because I have to face the idea of dying. I want to hear God's voice before He speaks in hurricanes.

Do I believe God can be good and let me suffer? Yes. Though I wish I were somehow too important or perhaps too beneath satan's notice, I was bought at a price. He deserves my devotion and praise regardless of my temporary earthly circumstances.

Is He concerned with me? Does He see my suffering? Isaiah 53, NLT

"He was despised and rejected—

a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
He was despised, and we did not care.

4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
it was our sorrows that weighed him down."

It breaks my heart to think of Good so broken because of me, and yet His taking on my burdens and sin touches the very core of my hurt, it mends the cracks in fibre of my being.

Is it fair that I must fight for my breath through a thick sludge, and take drugs that wreak havoc on my emotions and body? The best I can answer this is that God and I are not equals. My thoughts are too beneath His to judge Him, but I have tried Him. His mercy has been a cool Spring rain, refreshing me. He is more tender than a mother holding her newborn for the first time. Surely His sacrificing His only son (for me) shows His utter commitment to justice far beyind my comprehension.

What of my children? What will happen to them if I die? I feel so surely that NO ONE could love them as deeply, so purely, without any encumberances as I do. Though it pains me, I will trust Him with them. I will acknowledge with my mouth what my heart just doesn't feel, and pray for strength to keep trusting.

The hurricane is coming, but I still have Hope. He may yet heal me, but even if He doesn't I count Him worthy of my trust.

A Quick Update

2009-12-04T15:31:00.000-08:00

I don't have much time to write. Here are three recent pics.

Papa playing outback with the grandkids.

The Michaels Roe at midnight.
Sofie at the park. :) Yes, the fake smile is still with us.

Please pray for my health and energy. I am worn out.

Love to you all, Dee Dee

The Costumes

2009-11-05T21:21:00.000-08:00

This is Sofie's handmade mermaid costume she requested. It had to be purple with green thingies, and only a tail. I hope she appreciates my bending over backwards for her all the time! She will one day right? Please tell me I'm right.. Can you believe Marie got this shot in one take?! Where is that cute smile when I have the camera?!

The cutest little bumble bee. :) He kept falling over in the basket, but I still love the pic. Best part, we got these pics in two 5x7s for a small donation of 4 canned goods. Happy.

Love to you all, Deeds

Target Family Night

2009-11-01T22:17:00.000-08:00

One of our favorite things to do as a family is peruse the local Target. It's a cheap date anyway. :) Here are some pics from a recent family night trip.

Purple glasses and scarves, want to guess who picked out the wardrobe? Please don't ask why Sofie is sticking her hip so far out. We have no idea what they teach her at that church! ;)

I like the hat M. You should buy it.

A little big for her head still.

Sofie picked out mine. I think she pictures me as her Jamaican mother. ;)

Ahh, back to normal. :)

Sorry Blue is stuck sideways inside his carseat. Still a handsome fat rascal. :)

Blue is almost asleep so that's it for tonight. Love you all, Dee Dee

October Photos :)

2009-10-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

She's in a purple phase.
Doing the chicken dance.
When scarves attack.
Momma and Blue
He makes this face a lot.
This is the why is Daddy holding me face. He tries to lure me back over with his big BROWN eyes.

Our contortionist

M is so handsome - sigh. :)

She moved all these pumpkins away from the photo opp. so Mommy could create her own. My busy little helper. :)

This is our favorite picture of her because it's how we always see her - in motion.

Laughing at Mommy

The fake smile is still with us.
Guess we need to work on sitting like a young lady.

Love that nose.

Her pick of the patch.

Love to you all. I am headed to sleep!

Dee2

Shower Photos

2009-10-15T23:37:00.000-07:00

I have Blue in the swing almost asleep, and I am uploading pictures to Shutterfly. I came to the realization tonight that I haven't printed pictures since Sofie's first birthday! I hope to catch up on this during my late date nights with Blue this next week. :)

I came across these pics from my baby shower, and realized I never posted them. Thank you so much to all my friends that made this day special for me. It was THE best day of my whole pregnancy.

Milk chuggers. :)
I can't believe there was a baby in there!
Ebeth and I
MeShell my Bell

Faith, I have like 5 shots with you and you look gorgeous in each one, but I am making weird faces every time.

Looks like Blue is down. I am off! Hope you're all sleeping sweetly. Love to you all. Dee2

Keeping Company

2009-10-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

What am I doing up at 2:30 am you ask?

Spending time with this fat rascal.
He has been awake since 10 pm, and is going strong. Grrr. Mommy is very tired, and trying not to have thoughts about leaving him in a basket on one of your doorsteps. ;)

So while he is awake, and determined to scream if I so much as look away I thought I'd post a few pictures. Please excuse my recent lack of blogging, and the haphazard fashion I will be presenting these pics. :)

Even though it's not a flattering picture of me - I like it! You can tell he looks like me. Heehee. Notice he has my chin, nose, lips, and eyes. He does have Daddy's creamy skin and brow, but who's keeping score?

The big sister with her super curly hair on the way to family game night.
Playing in the backyard after the rain. This is the big fake smile that drives me nuts. I am a mean Momma because I tell her I won't take her picture unless she smiles nice.
I tried getting her to say different words so she wouldn't CHEESE, but she over-thought it.
She's still the most beautiful girl in the world.

***Baby is yawning. I'm out of here. More pics when I have a moment to myself. Well. Hmm. I can't find that asterisk again so blah. Good night!

Family Nights 9.13 and 20

2009-09-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

This week for family night we decided to take a trip to Central Market. It's a big trip for us. 5 diaper changes, a couple Sofie breakdowns, and one parental headache later we brought home our goods. :)

Fresh Guac for Mommy

Nutella and Rice Cakes for Daddy

Frank, Fido, and Sofie pumpkins :)

Cookies and The Jungle Book before bed.

It took M and Sofie about 30 minutes to fall asleep, and Mommy and blue about 4 hours. Sigh.

Sofie LOVED picking out her own pumpkins, but she had decidedly expensive taste we had to maneuver around.

This is the "food" Sofie and I cooked at the park on Monday. Happily I didn't have to taste anything.

Sigh. This is what I look like all the time lately. I need to find a new hair dresser, but switching is so traumatic.

She's in a superhero phase.

She wanted me to catch her from about 7 feet in the air. HA!

Love her big dark eyes.

The fake smile.

Blue slept through the park in his stroller.

This is from family night on the 13th. :) Isn't he handsome? Oooh lala.

Daddy reading to our growing book worm.

Me and my babies laying in front of the fire.

The baby currently known as Fat Rascal.

The video has to be viewed on the blog. It's Andrew giggling at M. :)

We love you all. Thanks for continuing to pray for us. Please add prayer for what to do about M's car which bit the dust.

Dee2

Family Night September 6th and a family update

2009-09-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

Our last two family nights have been spent outside at Getzandener park in Waxahachie. There are several sets of playground equipment for Sofie to play on, and a beautiful walking trail. My favorite part of going is the forest full of fireflies that come out at dusk. Sofie and M like to chase them, and catch them in their hands. One is more gentle than the other so about 50% of the fireflies survive catching..

A few pics of us on our way out the door.

Sofie has a sturdy kids camera, and she LOVES seeing her pics uploaded onto the computer. More on that later.
Me and my boy. :)
Don't you love the t-shirts?
M in a great mood for family night. Yay!
The next two pics were taken by Sofie. :)
2 tress in our front yard.
She kept telling me to "SMILE BIGGER MOMMA."

A little update:

M's students have been fantastic so far this year. I will have him put up a post about that soon. This is a direct answer to prayer.

He is also looking into getting a part time job to pay down the vast medical bills. Ugh. Blah. Ick. Please pray the right opportunity comes along, or that we find a child I could take in a few days during the week.

Sofie has been so difficult lately. Every day has been a test of wills. I'd say we have a battle nearly twice an hour every hour she is awake. She is pulling every trick in the book to exert control over each member of the family. I don't know how she will ever submit her will to God when she battles so fiercely against the slightest earthly authority. I am going to bed each night completely worn out from standing up to her. I have begun to wonder if I have what it takes to win. Please please pray for us.

Andrew is a sweet blessing to our family. He is soft smiles and big wet kisses. He is mostly sleeping so much better at night, but still having daily bouts of fussiness.

Thank you all for your prayers concerning my health. For those of you that don't know I have been diagnosed with Churg-Strauss Syndrome by both my immunologist and ENT. This was both a blessing and a blow to my emotional health. I am relieved to finally have some answers about the constant sickness, but I am also deeply disappointed that it is something far more serious than I had ever imagined.

So far my treatment mainly involves a 4 month course of high-dose Prednisone, weekly labs, exercise, and a drastic diet change. At the end of the 4 months I'll be evaluated to see if the Prednisone has put the syndrome into remission, and if not we will begin to talk about whether I need to add Chemo to the treatment regimen.

After being on steroids for 3 weeks my lab results showed that my glucose levels were reaching a pre-diabetic range. The immunologist is concerned this could lead to full blown diabetes.

Specific prayer requests: financing treatment as I don't have health insurance, that the CSS would go into remission before the 4 month mark, and that I would adjust quickly to cooking a new diet.

Thanks for all the prayers and concern. We love you all.

Dee2

Family Night August 23rd

2009-08-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

You win some. You lose some. Last night's family night was a bit rough, but I am glad we made the effort. I love all of you high-maintenance, strong-willed, stubborn rascals.

Strong-willed and High-Maintenance (look a lot like Stubborn and Bossy)

Stubborn :D

Mom & Chris - don't you think she looks like Christian here?

This is his hair brushed straight. Heehee

I love you all, Bossy

Mommy's Little Monster

2009-08-22T09:40:00.001-07:00

I found this onesie lost in Blue's crib. He just barely fit into it so I had to take some pictures since he'll outgrow it before I can rotate it through the wash. :)

That's the sweet face I saw at at 3 am last night.

I decided I had served my sentence after about two hours and woke up a VERY grumpy daddy bear to play. Heehee.

He never stops moving those little hands.

Pre-Yawn state

Can you see the little curl in the front? I can't brush it straight so I am guessing he may end up with curly hair like his Sissy.

Aww isn't he the cutest? :)

Craft Time

2009-08-21T10:43:00.000-07:00

Sofie and I have been having daily craft time during Andrew's nap now that Daddy is back at work. It's a little hard for me to let her create messes, but I'm making an effort. :)

Happy Camper

She loves squeezing the glue.

Sofie and Momma

Polka Dots :)

She was a little mad that I wouldn't let her add random beans to my page, and she didn't want me making her beans into anything more specific. I could tell that she really thought I should do it her way. She's as stubborn and bossy as her Momma. :)

August 16th

2009-08-16T19:25:00.000-07:00

Sunday night means it is family night again. I am determined to keep making it happen. It shouldn't be so hard to coordinate a family of four. :) I'd appreciate any tips to making it fun for everyone if you have them.

This first picture is for Sofie. She loves to look at the pictures of her toys on the blog. We played My Little Ponies and the Mantis. That's what the green bug is in the middle. ;)

This is Blue in his new onesie. Michael could not resist it at the store. It says "Daddy is my super hero." I am happy to report that Sofie says the shirt should say Momma. :D

This is Miss Curly hair showing off her big cheesy smile.

Blue sitting up in his BeBe Pod trying to be a part of family night.

That' the Daddy pony.

Me and my girl.

Wow, we're all looking in the same general direction. It's a miracle. :)

In other news, I am going in for more tests this week. Please continue to pray for my health. I am feeling a little run-down, but hopeful about getting better.

Michael goes back to work tomorrow. We are praying that he has interested learners, his new classroom is sufficiently equipped, their full pay is restored, and that the transition to teaching all subjects goes smoothly.

Sofie's eczema and allergies have been flared up for a couple of weeks. We are praying they will settle down with the seasons changing because she needs to restart her immunizations, but we can't do that with the flares.

She started the three-year-old class at Sunday School today and it went really well. There will be more focus on memorizing scriptures and spiritual songs so I am excited about that. I have been picking small verses to work with her on at home, and she is an excited learner.

Blue is doing great. He has been sleeping better at night, albeit in my bed. I didn't want to co-sleep with him, but I right now sleep is too precious to be picky. He seems to be growing on schedule, and hasn't had any complications from the steroids I am on. I am concerned that my milk supply has been lower so pray for that. I don't want to put him on formula.

What else? :) We are really trying to be more focused on expressing our faith at home. Please pray for us as we try to establish good habits in that area.

We love you all, and hope to see some of you soon!

2009-08-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

We've just started having Sunday nights as family night at the Roeboats. So I have some pics to share.

Blue and his caterpillar buddy. A tasty snack in a pinch.

M found this giant inflatable ball, and that's all we needed for a couple hours of fun.

The blowing up process was almost too much for Sofie.

She was not impressed when I told her it looks like a rotting tomato.

She knew exactly what to do once we finished blowing it up.

M took a turn.

Mommy took a turn in the vortex of asthmatic death.

Sofie was determined to be in it everytime someone else was.

This is the type of picture I usually edit and share with you all.

This is not.

But they're more realistic. :)

Here's a couple videos - you have to click on the actual link to view them.

Chris Visit August 09

2009-08-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

These pics are for Chris, Becca, Nana, and Papa. Everyone else feel free to skip this post. :)

This was Sunday Morning. Had to wake everyone up except Sofie and Andrew. :)

Curly haired cousins.

Brooke is always ready with a pose.

Kyrsten is so beautiful. She woke up this pretty! :) She loves her baby cousin.

A little pouting off to the left because Brooke couldn't find her Barbie dolls. Payton was excited because he was about to play Wii Fit for the first time. He's fiercely competitive like the rest of the Stallworth's.

Christian was the early to bed, late to rise type. :) He was so full of fun stories, and remembers details really well.

She didn't want me to take a picture if he was crying. :) Can you tell he's ready for milk?

Uncle Chris and Andrew - he had lots of smiles for his uncle. Maybe it's because he looks like Momma.

Brooke was so excited to hold Andrew. She was a natural. (She's just as bossy as my Sofie, and started telling me how to take care of the baby. haha)

Aren't they the cutest?

Everyone loves Uncle Michael.

Kyrsten likes to look gangster in all her pictures. Silly girl.

Daddy and sleepy baby. He slept almost around the clock with that outfit on.

Kyrsten was warming by the fire.

Can I put some qualifications on the picture? My hair looks crazy because the kids had just splashed me in the pool. I have no bra on because I was nursing. That extra neck roll ... umm that's because I love cookies. :)

Sisters

I'm not sure why I cleaned her room before the kids came. It took them about 4 minutes to utterly destroy it. :)

Payton is bowling, but there was no competition. Christian was an expert!

Lunch at the Roe table.

Haha does it look like I am sneaking out of the picture?

There was a little fighting, a lot of giggling, and so much imagination.

Chris: expert gamer and great daddy.

Payton, who is almost the same height as Brooke.

Christian - totally reminds me of his dad at this age.

She is 10 and the same height as Aunt Dee Dee. Seriously, why did I get the short stick?

I have more pics that I have to figure out how to get off of my camera. Will post if I figure it out.

Love to everyone. I am off to clean Sofie's room.

Blue's Belated Birth Story

2009-07-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

Giddy, delirious, excited: we spent the night before the induction in the tender pillow-talk and hopeful daydreams sickness had excluded us from the previous nine months. We made predictions about weight and hair color, and all the tiny details intersecting in our growing family tree.

At 5:30 am we arrived at labor and delivery and squeaked out “We’re here to have a baby.” It turned out Monday’s in June are a slow day for our local hospital, and “Nurse Chipper” was quite excited to have us as her project. As she eagerly asked me about everything from allergies to any use of recreational drugs, I was made comfy in the latest in hospital wear - gaping, green, gargantuan, and pumped full of IV fluids.

At 7:20 my slightly groggy OB arrived, checked my cervix, and declared me favorable for induction. What a relief that I didn’t have to fake a heart attack to get my way. (Thanks for the tip anyway Mom.)

We began the day at 3 cm, -3 station, and 50% effaced.

With the Pitocin, a curious peace dripped into my body. All my fears of a second terrible labor were washed away in the trust that God was going to get me through this.

With each fifteen minutes the nurse increased the dosage of the Pitocin drip, and asked whether or not I needed an epidural yet. I have no objections to medicine, or easing one’s way through the process. I know there are no medals in Heaven for those who tough it out on their own.

I just felt ... strong. I’d been through 9 months of taking dangerous and uncomfortable meds against my desire, and I just wanted to do this on my own.

With the peak of each contraction I quietly rode the swell of pain, and bravely awaited the next battering wave.

Around 10 am the Pitocin began to crash Little Boy Blue’s heartbeat. I felt more cautious. I worried that my own pain and discomfort were affecting him. They put me on an oxygen mask, and turned me a dozen ways until he responded better. I began to rely on hubby for breathing assistance. He helped me to breathe deeply when I wanted to cringe and hold my breath.

(What a metaphor for our relationship. He is always trusting God, and stretching the limits of our experience when I want to batten down the hatches and wait for life to blow by.)

By lunchtime I was flagging. The pain was coming too often and intensely. M began to read the encouragement from all my friends following our experience on Facebook. I shall always remember Taylor Crane’s shock that we stopped in such momentous happenings to update 136 of our closest friends and family. ;) I laughed and cried that so many people were focused in on our moment. It is an exhilarating feeling to know that one’s life is so intertwined with others, and that they care enough to put aside their own concerns to tune into your life.

At 12:30 the doctor informed us that my water had broken and I’d progressed to 4 cm, -2 station, and still 50% effaced. The clock was ticking with my water broken. I began to think again of laboring with S, and how it took 30 hours to go from 2 cm to 9. The nurse saw tears in my eyes, and assured me that this was a new day and no one was going to let me suffer like that.

For the next two hours I began to draw into myself. I tried to nap through the pain. It was kind of like trying to sleep in once my 3 year old is awake and in the bed peeling my eye-lids open.

2:30 came and my doctor informed us I’d almost reached 6 cm. I was shocked that my body was actually responding to the process. Life sometimes has a way of beating us down to where we can only prepare for the worst, but I was snapping out of it. I finally believed I was going to have a baby soon!

The next hour of contractions were painful, but exciting. I began to focus my mind on what it would be like to push. With Sofie I didn’t recognize the signals my body was sending my brain. I was too exhausted from being in labor too long, and I worried I wouldn’t know what to do again.

My doctor came in and found me at 9 cm. He assured me there was no rush to push once I reached 10 cm. We talked about letting nature take over, trusting my body, and not rushing the process. This was a little difficult for my control freak mind to grasp, but it worked brilliantly.

At 4:30, the nurse asked me to give a practice push. Afterward she had a proud, but frantic smile. “As soon as the doctor gets here, you’ll have your baby in 2 pushes.” She was right.

My doctor clocked out of his office at 4:45, walked across the street, and up the stairs to my room. By 5 he was scrubbed, gloved, and telling me to push gently one time. Andrew’s head was out. My hearing was tuned into all the details modesty forbid my eyes from witnessing. “One more push Dee Dee - nice and slow.”

It was over. They gingerly placed Andrew on my chest, and my mind began to race. I’d done it. I survived this pregnancy, and brought a new soul safely into the world. I felt lighter both physically and emotionally. I could sleep on my stomach again, or eat gorgonzola cheese.

As I stared down at little Blue, I wept. I wept for the lost months I didn’t get to see my friends, play with my daughter, or enjoy at home with my hubby. I wept that my body tried to reject such a beautiful and perfect baby. I wept for myself: surviving 39 weeks of vomiting and motion sickness deserves a moment.

Mostly, I wept for a new beginning. Happy Birthday sweet Blue.

Taking A Moment

2009-07-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

Things are so busy right now adjusting to two kids, but I wanted to jot down some thoughts while I have a spare moment - between the 1 am feeding and 2 am diaper-change-athon. :) I'm sorry some of this will be jumbled, but I just wanted to put it in writing before I forget.

My sweet Sofie, it has been pure delight playing with you these last three weeks. I have sorely missed having the energy to keep up with all your creative play. We’ve raced through circle time (your own blend of tag, hide-n-go-seek, and gymnastics), styled and named my little ponies and baby dolls, cooked together with varying degrees of success, danced our tails off, and played every silly little game you can come up with to capture my attention. I am so unworthy of your generous devotion, and yet - it thrills me.

Your burgeoning brilliance, amazing athleticism, and tender compassion tighten my heart with pride. I continue to be amused and confounded by your strong will so like my own. Today when Daddy was correcting your behavior, you announced “I don’t want to hear your lessons.” I was torn between laughter and frustration. Every day you are a little more obedient, and yet always finding new ways to be naughty. I suppose it is this age, and yet Daddy and I know too much of it was written into your genetic code. I take this opportunity to apologize for passing on my sassiness. ;)

This has been a big month for our family. 3 weeks ago your little brother was born. He is tiny and loud and demanding of our time and attention, and yet you have handled the transition to a family of four with such grace and charm. At home, you help with diaper changes and feeding time. You brush his hair and tickle his toes. I can tell you’re a little disappointed with his entertainment value, but you are as sweet a sister as any boy could hope for. In public, you eagerly strike up conversations with everyone about your new brother. You like to share his name and age, and proudly declare that “he drinks milk right from Mommy’s big boobies.” I am merely thankful that men do not typically stop for conversation with us. ;)

You are blossoming into a lovely preschooler. Only weeks ago you seemed so tiny and fragile, and now I am recognizing signs of your growing up all around me. I hope this time we have together before you start school doesn’t go too fast. I hope I can resist the pull to be busy. I want to sop up your affection and pour into you all my love and direction. You remain my sweet baby girl.

My dearest Andrew, welcome to the family. Having just written about your sister, I must say what everyone else has noticed - you look so much like her. (I know, I know. I am second-born, and I can already imagine the cringing you’ll do when you hear yourself compared her.)

Between midnight feedings, diaper changes, and fussy moments you and I spend a lot of time studying each other. I’ve noticed that your dark hair isn’t truly black. It’s more a sweet chocolate brown that promises to lighten when hit by the sun. You have big curious eyes that have yet to decide whether they will be green or brown. I suspect they will settle on a rich hazel color, but I tease your Daddy about how dominant my features are in passing them onto our children.

Your golden eyelashes and brows barely show against your creamy pink skin. They remind me of your Daddy, and the countless nights I’ve studied his golden features as he sleeps. I am so glad we decided to name you after him, and I can only hope you will be like him in spirit.

You have my nose dotted with tiny white spots that will eventually fade. They are an adorable reminder of how new you are. I will miss them dearly when they’re gone.

Everyone notices your big hands. They tell me you’ll be an athlete. I think of you growing into those hands, and I am a little saddened to think of a time you’ll be too big for me to cradle against my chest and comfort with my presence. For now, I smile when one of your chubby hands reaches out to clasp my fingers. I send streams of love from my heart to yours through that touch.

I am eager to know your personality. For now, you’re a quiet little soul. You don’t spend much time fussing, and you smile often. I am amazed how opposite my children can be.

Sofie liked to nurse with her eyes closed until the moment she fell asleep. She demanded milk, and trusted that it would be there the instant she closed her eyes or squawked.

You are so different.

You nurse with your eyes wide open and a concerned look on your brow. It’s as if you know that there is competition for my time. I’ll admit there have already been moments when I’ve had to juggle your needs with your sister’s. It’s stressful business trying to decide which of you needs me most in a moment. I hope you’ll both forgive me if I choose wrong.

I’ve noticed you’re easily frustrated when trying to latch or fall asleep, but I am patient with your struggle. I tell you what a smart boy you are, remind you not to panic, and stroke your hair until you calm down. One day I’ll have to teach you to be patient with yourself.

Your wakeful hours are a highlight in my day. You coo the silliest baby noises. You grunt like a grown man. You scrunch and stretch your face into the most adorable looks. You listen intently to my voice, and take comfort in it. You’re happy to be in my arms, calmly staring as I stroke your little toes.

Yours is a world of softness. As a baby, your sister liked to be without clothes snuggling skin to skin with Mama or Daddy. You’d rather be snuggled up in a warm outfit, with thick socks, and a fluffy blanket. To my complete dismay, I can’t get you to sleep in your bassinet because you prefer the memory foam on my bed. I wouldn’t dare call you spoiled, but you sure do like to get your way about that.

I delight in you. I prayed and prayed for a baby that wouldn't give me a hard time, and now that you're here I hardly know what to do with your easy going spirit. Mostly, I hold you close and kiss your head. I hold you out, and wonder. I wonder how someone as strong-willed as I am will raise such a quiet boy to be himself. I wonder how you will stand up to your bossy sister. I wonder what your interests will be. I wonder how you will affect the rest of us. I cry because you make me so happy.

I am so looking forward to watching you both grow this next year. Every day you both seem a little different. I struggle to capture an image of what you’re like right now, as your spirits are like flowing water. I love you both. Let Mama sleep tonight. ;)

Sweet Blue Perfection

2009-07-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

I love this photo. He is such a smiley baby. You would never know he had just pooped and peed on the photographer no less than six times!

I am in love. He rarely cries, sleeps a full 18 hours a day (his sister never slept more than 12 from birth!), never spits up, loves his sister's and daddy's voice, and prefers Mommy to everyone else. Is this too good to be true? :D

Unconditional Love

2009-06-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

At 11 weeks they told me to abort you.

It’s the most common “treatment” for this condition:

Uncontrollable, Spontaneous, Endless Vomiting,

Unquenchable Dehydration,

Simultaneous Diarrhea and Constipation,

Esophageal Damage, Bleeding Gums

Pytalism, Heartburn, Acid Reflux

Anemia, Low Blood Pressure

Confusion, Body Odor, Incontinence

Food Aversions, Motion Sickness, Headache

Chronic Fatigue, and Depression.

(Finding out who your real friends are.)

Medical Advice from those without a license,

a drop of compassion,

or a clue.

Little Boy Blue

I’ve learned this:

YOU ARE NOT A CONDITION.

You’re more than the sum of your physical parts.

You’re my baby,

the apple of His eye.

His creation

and gift to us.

You’re alive and well despite all the

complications, interventions, medications, and

bad advice.

38 weeks and 2 days:

Hyperemesis Gravidarum has not defeated me,

and Blue -

I will not give up on you.

March Update in Pictures

2009-04-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to send a quick update of all the pictures I didn't get to post this last month. Hope you likey.

This is from yesterday. The hair is a *bit* wild when she wakes up.. along with the rest of her.

Her lovely sticthes - ouch! :S She ran into the living room and cracked her chin open on the coffee table. Watching her get stitches was one of the worst moments of my life.

Painting a rainbow with Mommy.

Trip to the aquarium a couple of weeks ago. Her favorite part was the stamping station. She stamped every square at every station with no regard for the whining children in line behind her.

Please take our badbutt Mr. Shark.

Michael feeding the seagulls in Galveston. See how the one is hovering a foot from his face?

They could catch the bread in the air.

Or try to take it from his hands. Heehee, I locked him out of the car when he tried to run back into it screaming.

View out our hotel window.

The other direction was a really nice restaurant we couldn't afford. Yay for IHOP. ;)

Sofie chillaxin' in Mommy's shades.

Just like a puppy!

My sweet family at the harbor.

Me and Little Boy Blue at 24 weeks.

I'm pretty sure feeding the birds from our window was my favorite part as I slept 95% of the weekend away.

We could see the cruise ships pulling up. If only we could have sneaked on one! :)

I totally look like my Mom here. Well, you know minus the baby bump.

I have something to tell you Mommy.

"My icee sploded everywhere."

Some flowers from the hubby - just because. The best kind I say.

Blowing bubbles with Mommy and Daddy.

To view the video, you have to access the blog directly at roeboats.blogspot.com

Love to you all, Dee 2

April Wedding Shower

2009-04-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

My friend Elizabeth and I threw a wedding shower for our friend Hope and her fiance Mykle today. It turned out so nice, and we all laughed the afternoon away.

Here are the few pics from my camera, and some videos for the bride-to-be to view. If anyone else who went to the shower would like me to post their pics just email me. :) I didn't get any of the gifts or myself.

The yummy cupcakes made by Sheri Bray. Sadly, I didn't get pics of them at the shower. These are two leftovers right before Michael and I had a melty snack. :)

The cupcake boxes made to look like party favors. :)

Mmm, if only everyone knew those were cupcakes hiding in there. :)

The funny and beautiful Michelle Hames. :)

The groom's parents. :) They were hysterical, and I loved their stories about Mykle when he was younger.

The scones that Ebeth and I slaved over... okay really Ebeth. I just grated butter. They were moist and delicious.

Gourmet sandwiches from Central Market. If only Ebeth would have gone along with pretending we made them ourselves. The accolades we would have enjoyed.

Mrs. Valerie Austin and Mrs. Carolyn Griffith who kicked everyone's tails in the Texan Purse Scavenger Hunt. They brought out the terribly competitive side in all my friends. Tsk tsk. ;)

Faith dumping her purse out on the floor in a desperate attempt to take down the Mom purses. She had a purse like mary Poppins!

Sweet bride and groom sharing a moment on the couch. :)

A quick smile.

Back to work.

Reading cards during the gift opening was much more eventful than I could have imagined. Don't forget to read every word Miss Hope!

Aren't they a lovely couple?

A double wedding with low budget dresses. Notice Miss China on the right.

This was so much fun, and really brought out the bridezilla in all of them!!

I've also uploaded two videos to youtube for you to watch. They aren't the best quality, but you can catch some funny moments. Please excuse all my giggling into the mic. :)

This first video is of the bride and groom opening their gifts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2LdvGph2fg

The second video is a bashful couple reading advice for newlyweds. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIkTLlsNNCI

Love to you all, Dee Dee

March Update

2009-03-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

I have some pictures from the last 8 days. I am determined to get the camera out a bit more. :)

This is Sofie last week right after we woke up.

The scrunchy in her hair was SO cute, but it only lasted about 3 minutes before she decided we need to put barrettes in her hair instead.
Where are her pants you ask? I say give me credit for getting her to keep a shirt on! She was actually trying to get me to take pics of her new panties from Nana, but she wouldn't hold still long enough to catch them.
Here she is giving a tour of room. The pictures show it off counter-clockwise.

Book and toy shelves. Half her toys aren't even on the shelves like they should be.
Favorite places to sit: bean bag and her Ikea egg chair. The egg chair closes completely so she can hide things from Momma in there. Today I found a marker and a screwdriver. Guess we need to have Daddy empty his pockets out of her reach.
Her baby care items. Well, the ones that haven't taken a beating.
Her new bed from Papa, and a blankie we got in the mail today from Nana. I'm not sure if it was for her or the new baby, but Sofie claimed it first. ;)
This is her pretending to take a nap. A mother can dream.. Oh! Notice the scratch on her face? Well, the nursery at church called it a scratch, but it's much more like a cut. Do not send my kid back to me with a cut on her beautiful face, and NO IDEA how it got there. Grrrr.
This is her trying to pose Elmo. She kept telling me I was taking the pic wrong because it was supposed to be Elmo's head, not hers. I didn't think you all would be as fond of Elmo pics as she is.
She consented to a picture if I let her wear the dress we got for Hope's wedding. She was not happy about washing the chocolate off her hands first. I'm sure if M were here he'd make some joke about Hope's wedding colors being chocolate and champagne.
Aww isn't she beautiful? She told me I had to take a picture for the prince who is hoping Mary. I think she meant marrying Hope. lol
And this is right before she set off into 5 minutes of swirling her dress around. :)

I hope you're all having a good week. I will post pictures of me and the boy bump soon. Love to you all.

Dee Dee

Momma's Prayer

2009-03-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

I didn't sleep well last night. Sofie fought the good fight about being in her own bed well past midnight. Thumper squeezed my bladder into all sorts of interesting shapes so I was forced to get up and use the restroom every hour. The nightmares have started again, and they take away all my strength.

This morning my sweet Sofie woke up at six am full of sunshine and energy, and I just had nothing. I didn't want to face the day. I cried even thinking about getting out of bed.

Sigh. I have a feeling only the mother's will truly understand the rest of this.

I was a witch today.

I lost my temper over spilled juice. I pulled my hair when I stepped on ANOTHER toy. I yelled when she said my name 25 times in a row. I screamed when she pounded on the door while I took a second to use the restroom. I sent her to her room with drooped shoulders and a broken heart because I just couldn't take one more question, one more slobbery kiss, one more clanging toy, or any of the other normal 3 year old things I face in a day.

How will I ever get through 15 more years without being the worst excuse for a mother any child ever had? How do I keep from disappointing her? How can I face a day of mothering when my very bones seem ready to collapse from so little sleep? Who am I to teach her manners when I can be so cutting? How will she learn God's love from a Mom who demands perfection in every area, and yet struggles to be even an average mother?

I love my daughter. I love her fierce will - even though she battles my every decision and action. I love her curly hair that resists taming. I love her big brown eyes so like my own, always watching and weighing. I love how much energy and creativity she has, so like her father. I love teaching her about our world, and trying to set a good example for her.

But there are days like today.

I honestly wish she'd forget, but more importantly I hope she can learn to forgive me. I suspect perfection isn't around my next corner.

__________________________________________

As you lay here asleep on my lap with my tears dripping onto your nightgown, I want you to know that I am sorry Momma was a witch today. I'm sorry I was impatient with your curiosity. I'm sorry that I let my selfishness push your needs aside. I'm sorry that I didn't play enough, listen enough, and worse love enough. I have asked God to forgive me, renew me, and strengthen me for the privilege of being your Mommy tomorrow. I love you, and my dearest hope is that you can one day count yourself blessed to have been my child.

I'm going to put you in your bed soon, but for just a little while I'll hold you close and pray all my love sweeps into your dreams.

We're Over the Moon!

2009-02-18T21:15:00.000-08:00

I am so excited - it's a BOY. I have been on a cloud all day, and you can probably imagine the goofy look Michael has been wearing.

The FIRST thing we saw when the tech scrolled over my tummy was the sac, and then definitely outside plumbing.

I was laying on the table just bawling about getting my little boy. I KNOW he's going to be Momma's boy, and I have every intention of spoiling him rotten and reminding him no girl is good enough for him.

He measured one day ahead of his due date so right on target for size, and everything checked out healthy and present.

He is already nothing like his sister. Every ultrasound she had, she'd kick at the light and spin away. He just stared at us the whole time, and happily chewed his cord. He was laying sideways, and rubbing his head back and forth. It was amazing to be able to feel that and see it at the same time.

We stopped on the way home from the hospital, and Michael bought him a stuffed lion and a blankie. I guess I need to start depleting my stash of pink baby clothes, pink car seat, pink stroller, and then there's the purple...

We have been playing around with our three name choices all day, and I feel really good about them. I think we may just take them with us to the hospital and decide after we get a good look at him.

Tagged for 15 Thoughts

2009-01-29T21:17:00.000-08:00

1. If I did not sense God's divine and specific plan for my life, I *think* I would be content to spend my days arranging flowers at a small florist shop in a big city, or rusticating in a musty used book store in the middle of nowhere.

2. I prefer a used copy of a book to a new one. I feel a strong connection to strangers when I see a passage underlined, or a question mark in a margin. I would dearly love to have an old Bible that has been marked, commented in, cried over, and pondered about as thoroughly as my own.

2. I have journaled at least once a week since I started the second grade. The day I brought my daughter home from the hospital I burned 18 years worth of diaries. I finally acknowledged some things are better left in the past.

3. People typically love me or hate me without bandying about in between. Since a very young age, I have found myself able to love even the most unlovely person.

4. It annoys me when people tell me to be optimistic as if it is some cosmic force affecting my situation. Spare me. I am content to acknowledge reality as it is, and to find comfort in my God and the Hope of Heaven.

5. I worry that finding balance prevents achieving greatness.

6. I wish I could have flowers in my house more often. They create a sense of feminism, romance, and connection to nature that I cannot otherwise replace.

7. Since becoming a mother, I find that few things really embarrass or surprise me much. Then my daughter announces the lady sitting next to her has an ENORMOUS BOOTY to a room full of people, and I find myself experiencing both.

8. My favorite character in Little Women has always been Beth. I would rather die young, loved, and sweet in spirit than loud, brash, and conflicted. Can Jo ever become Beth?

9. I find so few people want to hear my testimony. They would rather I wade about in filth with them, than share in the redeeming cleansing Peace and Hope I have experienced. It truly baffles me.

10. I would rather read than eat, sleep, or breathe.

11. When I read a book, I cover every word from the publication page to the afterward. I'm often lost in pondering a forward or dedication for hours before I can fully enter the story.

12. Sundays used to be my favorite day of the week because it was the only day we got the newspaper. I would start with the comics (certainly where I picked up my keen sense of the humor in life), and then pour over every page wondering at this scary and exciting world that we live in. I would mourn with the obituaries and rage with political editorials as best my prepubescent mind could understand. I genuinely have no idea what this says about me.

13. I'd like to see the word blackmail changed to whitemail as in - threatening to bring substantially true info to light unless demands are met.

14. I have never been good at cutting with scissors.

15. I am rarely persuaded by others passion or argument. I often wonder if this reflects more on me as the receiver or others.

An Update After my Appointment

2009-01-12T19:15:00.001-08:00

Thank you for all the prayers this week. I went to the doctor today, and it was a good appointment.

This is a bit TMI for some, but so many of you have been asking that I thought I'd do one big note.

I did not end up having to do a chest x-ray or CT scan which brought me so much relief. My oxygen levels were improved, low blood pressure was better, the kidney infection is cleared, the baby's fluid levels are normal again, the sinus infection seems to be "responding" to antibiotics, and I am coughing up less and less blood. I continue to be dehydrated, but I was given a couple rounds of IV fluids, and I am feeling much improved.

The sinus/ear infection hasn't eased up, but the color seems to be getting clearer, and the doctor thought this was encouraging. So I am starting a new round of a different antibiotic tomorrow. It was described to me as "stronger than we'd normally put a pregnant woman on, but this is a calculated risk we need to take." I am a little discouraged about that, but I am thankful to be breathing without fear that my next breath won't be enough.

In ten days (give or take a weekend) I'll be re-evaluated, and if the infection is still gripping me I will be seeing a new ENT that deals with pregnant patients and go from there.

As for Thumper, I got to hear the heartbeat and have an ultrasound today. Before we began the U/S technician told me not to ask her about the gender because she would not be guessing or informing me today. I almost broke down and begged as I watched her smile during her scans. Does that mean boy? Could it be a girl? Ooooooooooh I just can't tell. What I do know is Thumper's home seems to be a safer and more healthy place this week, and I owe that solely to the only God, my Father, who hears my cry.

We scheduled the gender ultrasound for February 18th, and I have to shyly admit I have started to hope it's a boy. I would so love to have a baby Michael, but I'll be equally happy if this turns out to be a bosom friend for my Sofie.

Please continue to pray for me as I go through this next round of antibiotics - for peace of mind for Michael and I, a strong faith, a healed body, and a healthy baby.

Love to you all, Dee Dee and Thumper whose heart beats at a steady rate of 158.

January Update

2009-01-06T10:51:00.001-08:00

Hello all. Just a quick post. Please please pray for me. I have a sinus infection that won't go away, and the doctors don't think there is anything else they can do until baby is born. It is causing my morning sickness to be so much worse than normal, and I am constantly dehydrated.

I have some pictures of the last couple of months to share. :)

Sofie dressed herself up, and told me she was going to the store to buy ice cream, and would I like I anything?

Sofie was a lion for Halloween, even though I wanted her to be a lady bug. Her hair does seem a bit lionish though. :)

Trick or Treating with Daddy. Our neighborhood was sadly childless.
Pouting for candy.
These pictures are from our family Thanksgiving with Michael's family. These are Jennifer's boys Austin and Wesley. They're so handsome. :)
A quick picture with their Grammy.
This was taken Thanksgiving day. Sofie is sitting with Cheryti's dad showing off her love of music. :)

I think she made me read this book to her 10 times on the drive home from FL.
A sweet doll from Sofie's great-grandmother. She has since done everything she can to change the dolls clothes, but the are sewn right onto the doll.
My sister openly showing how much she loves one of her Christmas gifts.

The pink shirt we got Tracy, and Sofie showing off her noise maker toy.
The tall brother. Seriously, what are you 6'2" now? I think you're a whole foot taller than me!
Baby brother relaxing on the couch where the poor pregnant lady was supposed to be sitting.

Tracy showing off his skills on his favorite Christmas present.
He's still working on those skills...

Finally, this is my house yesterday. Sofie and I were very surprised and delighted to find icicles hanging off all the trees.

That's it for now. Please please pray for my healing. Love to you all, Dee Dee

Bedtime Routine

2008-12-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

Over the last 6 months we have prayed the Lord's prayer with Sofie every night before bed. It is often a cutting check to our own spirits as we pray.

Recently, we have noticed Sofie embellishing her prayers in places. Her version:

"Our Father in Heaven, may your name be kept Holy. May your Kingdom come soon. May your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us today the food we need (chocolate), and forgive us our (popsicles) as we have forgiven those who sin against us.

And don't let us yield to (Momma and Daddy), but rescue us from the evil one.

For yours is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever."

Amen.

If that isn't strong-willed, I don't know what is.

Love to you all.

Dee2

Fireworks

2008-12-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

I really love to watch the fireworks every year on July 4th. It was fun living in Central FL where we could see Disney/Seaworld/Universal shooting them off every night at 9.

The first year M and I were married a group of our friends went out to the church property before the construction began and shot off fireworks. I, of course, sat far away and shook my head at them in pity for they were surely crazy. One managed to set his sleeve on fire and another skimmed his car with one.

This year I shall be joining the fray. I know I'm crazy.

Meet Thumper. Due July 4th, 2009

Allergy Update

2008-12-02T16:13:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for praying today. Sofie's appointment went better than I expected. She was very mad at being poked and prodded, but she survived. :)

The doctor was very thorough (though not friendly), and they tested her for all the suspected allergens. It will take 7-10 days for all the blood test results to come back in.

He wants to keep her on a wheat exclusion diet until the results come in so pray we find foods she's willing to eat.

I'll update when I know more. Love to you all, Dee2

A Quick Prayer Request

2008-12-01T22:39:00.001-08:00

Sofie has an appointment with the allergist tomorrow at 1:30. I am very concerned about having all the issues addressed and taken seriously. Please pray specifically that God will guide this doctor, that she will not suffer, that I am able to provide just the right information, and that we get conclusive results and answers.

Thank you. Love to you all. Dee2

The difference in a year

2008-11-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

A year ago today my little family was homeless, infected, and gravely disappointed. To say nothing of betrayed and painfully humbled.

I fought the infection in my body for a full ten months before it was conquered, but the more deadly spiritual infection held me far less.

I do not like chaos. I do not like to have my routine destroyed. I would rather deal with the devil I know, than anything unknown.

I thrive on security and consistency, and yet God speaks to us in the trials and changes us to be more like He desires if we allow him to.

God spoke to me to ask for help when I would have chosen to suffer. He told me to trust when I was inclined to panic and stress. He had spoke to me "quiet" (more than once I'm afraid) when I wanted to rant and rail, and seek revenge.

I had never felt more that I was walking in my Savior's shoes, and OH HOW THEY HURT.

I have never been the meek, mild-mannered, hero of the story that ultimately does the right thing or says the right thing. I am the miserable character that people shake their heads at as I wade through the muck, and come out cleaned by the skin of my teeth.

I must thank the Austin's for giving us shelter when we had nowhere to go, and no money to take care of ourselves.

I must thank Cheryti for giving a SAHM and a wild 1 yr old a home to be in during the day even though we were sick and inconvenient.

I must thank Daphne for staying late to work to help strangers with tears in their eyes.

I must thank my mother for the $310 that meant the difference between food and shelter and hunger and pain.

Thank you to Scott whose gift of $50 made my husband believe in the church again.

Most of all, I must thank God for not giving up on me, and his continued discipline in my life.

I am so unworthy.

Love to you all, DeeDee

A Note to my friends after the election

2008-11-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

I'm really amazed an African American was elected. I'm sorry Jesse for downplaying the historic moment. I let my natural pessimism overshadow the moment.

This election says something new to our children that was never before true, to my forebearers that lived in a world where they were hated, beaten, feared, enslaved, persecuted, and even lynched for their skin color.

It says something new to a 27 yr. year old Texan that is sick of choking down the bigotry, racism, and persecution found everywhere in my society from the local grocery store to the local church.

I am honestly disappointed in my friends that voted for Obama merely because of his skin color, but I understand the cry for an equality that still doesn't exist in my day.

In the last few months, I have put up with a lot of crap from my friends who do not understand the minority, feel little pity for the poor, are more concerned about their money than their neighbor, and have the audacity to believe in the majesty of Republican politics even after its moral and social failure of the last 8 years.

I did not vote for Obama, but I feel equal disdain for the so-called conservative party.

To them I say: your arguments have not won me over, and your actions have not impressed me nor apparently the Nation.

Frankly Obama holds wildly immoral beliefs, but I find that same immorality deeply rooted in most people that I talk to. People who call themselves pro-life, but fiercely defend the death penalty and wage war over oil, but refuse to send troops to fight genocide. I could go on, but I fear you'd stop reading.

I don't mean that I hold any more respect for a party that justifies 1.3 million abortions a year, socially crippling same sex marriage, and pushes an agenda in our schools that is so humanistic that truth is equal to fiction.

What I do feel is relief. I am relieved that America is about to have its shirt ripped open and the festering wound of racism will be exposed. No one will be able to tell me I am imagining it and no one will speak to me of the amazing progress we've made.

WE WILL BLEED.

I hope it disgusts you. I hope it shocks you. I hope you will carve it out of your own heart.

And perhaps, someone will do something so that my child does not have to bear the wounds of ignorance and intolerance on her very soul.

To my Republican friends: I hope that you will each find some way to demonstrate your Christian faith with Democrats in power.

To my Democratic Friends: I hope that you will each find some way to demonstrate your Christian faith with your newfound power.

To my non-Christian friends: I hope that we will show ourselves worthy of your respect.

I love you all.

A month in pictures

2008-10-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

Have I ever mentioned that I hate Colin the Computer more than Tori the Taurus? My lack of blogging, and other computer activities are directly related to the games Colin likes to play with us. His favorite game is to take 30+ minutes to open a browser window, and then freeze up if you are unlucky enough to open a pdf. Oh the joys.

So while he's behaving himself I thought I'd share some pics from the last 5 weeks.

Sofie is in LOVE with everything princess right now. Notice her long legs. She's had another growth spurt since this pic, and it's all in the legs. I think she looks like her cousin Brooke in this pic. They have matching Bad Butts. ;) Can you see her strength in this picture?
Sofie in her favorite chair. It's an egg shaped chair from Ikea that spins, and has a cover that pulls down so she can hide in there and read books (or sneak candy).

Next we have a little night time adventure. Sofie was having a difficult time falling asleep in the new house so I told her to pick out 2 stuffed animals to put in her bed. When I checked back on her this is what I found.

Most of her animals sleeping on the floor under Mommy's quilt.
M's puppy reading some library books.
A few bed friends for Mommy.
And one lucky bunny tucked in at her side: sweet sleep. Cute little moments like this make the terrible two's a lot more bearable.
Sofie playing in her laundry basket. When she wants to sneak out of bed at naptime or bedtime she puts the basket on her head, and tiptoes around the house thinking we can't see her. It's amazing. *That skinny arm is her fairy godmother visiting us. :)*

The two of us waking up.
She looks like a burst of sunshine in this picture. This is currently her only nightgown. She keeps telling me it is "too friggly" to wear. Who can argue with that?

We finally had some rain in Dallas today. My Mom found a cute rain jacket for Sofie so it was the perfect opportunity to get out and use it.

The curls were the first to go.
The hood came very quickly next.
Yummy rain water - eek!

The jacket had to come off because she was using it as a vessel to catch water. I'll have to work with her on the concept.
That's right she's in her panties, and the drying off towel is outside too. Eventually she wore me down, and was outback in the all together. I had to chase her down and drag her inside. Catching and holding onto a wet naked toddler is never graceful. I just hope the neighbors weren't looking out their windows.

These last pics are from a twilight walk we took around the neighborhood.

The swirls above her head came from the stick she's holding, and the red flashes on the ground are from her light-up shoes. You can see where she was hopping around during the long exposure time.

A touch of magic.

Daddy copying her silly posing.
Mommy couldn't resist either.
The red dots should tell you why I get more pics of where she was, rather than those with her in the frame.

I am going to crash in bed now before Colin gets any ideas. ;)

Love to you all, Dee2

August Pictures

2008-09-05T03:59:00.000-07:00

I forgot to send pictures with yesterday's post so I thought I would give a brief run-down of August in pictures. :)

This is when my youngest brother, Tracy, visited. We miss him so much. He was such a sweet addition to our daily lives, and poor Sofie asks me everyday when Nana will bring him back. I miss having someone to play cards or video games with.

This is my Dad. We got to see him breifly before he had to ship out to Iraq.
This is M with the shaggy beach look I was telling you about. He cut his hair, and ooolala he looks nice. :)
Tracy has a giant apetite. ;)

The orange was from our trip to Central Market where we discovered Tracy has quite the expensive taste in foods, and that it only takes one hot and fresh Krispy Kreme (next door to the grocery store) donut to make a convert.

Big crocodile tears after being spanked for running away at the arboretum. She has such a free (read wild) spirit.

Nothing better than giant frogs squirting water at you when it's 100 degrees out.
The Crepe Myrtles are my favorite part of the aroboretum. Blossoms were wisping through the air as we walked through.
I was just as tempted as Sofie to pick all the flowers for myself. :D

This is me last Friday heading off to scrapbook with some friends.
This is what was at my feet begging me to take her swimming. She thinks if she gets totally ready that I HAVE to say yes. Pushy little thing.

Sofie is munching on an apple. I could use my own apple tree as the girl drinks apple juice for breakfast, has whole apples for snacks, and wants apple sauce with her meals.
Me looking crazy. :)

At my feet looking crazy. lol

Love you all, Dee2

An Update on the Everyday

2008-09-04T06:19:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe more than a month has passed since my last post. The year has passed so quickly barely touching down to leave an impression on my mind, and yet dragged its lame feet through the mediocrity and mundane details of my day to day life.

I shall start with an update on myself today, and hope that I don't sound too self-absorbed.

I am finding the burden of chronic illness too hard to bear of late. I cannot understand what I am supposed to learn from this. I don't like to be limited. I don't like needing help. I don't like the imperfection sickness brings into my life and home. I don't like weakness. Today I feel that a sore nose and shallow breaths could break my very spirit. Please pray that God will have mercy on me, and heal this wretched body. It wouldn't hurt to pray for my spirit as well.

In other news, the school year has started back up and M is teaching again. He seems delighted by the group of students assigned to him, and eager to dive into fractions and the scientific method. He does have some concerns that you could pray about. The administrators are significantly cutting into the mandated science instruction time with a disorganized morning assembly. His students must take state exams in science so his job performance, as well as the students education, are directly affected.

On the homefront, we have found a house in Lancaster. We are set to close Tuesday and hopefully move Wednesday. I will miss this beautiful apartment, but perhaps not walking up three flights of stairs with one arm full of grocery bags and dragging a reluctant toddler with the other. ;) More on this soon.

It has been an interesting month for Sofie. She does her best to live up to the terrible two's, but I must admit I admire her brilliance and athleticism.

Last night as we lay on the bed snuggling, I asked her to sing me a song. She sang her ABC's and then a garbled bit of twinkle twinkle little star. In turn, I sang her the song I made up for her. She said "Momma I like our song, I'm sleepy, I miss you until morning." Excuse my sniffles. We rarely have such tender moments with her. I hope that I can remember these, and not the crying screaming tantrums as she gets older.

I have been compiling a list of Sofie-isms to share with you. I hope you like them as much as we do because we aren't correcting her. :D They're just too cute.

1. "My tummy has the hip-ups" for hiccups.
2. "Sofie's hair is pretty, yours is straight. It's OK."
3. "Sofie is white, Momma is brown, Dada is orange." (He doesn't like this one as much as I do ;)
4. "Momma is my brother friend. Dada is a huuuge big girl." (Again, he didn't think it was as funny as I did. :)

I will save the rest for later so there is room to tell you about the smallest member of our family. She recently suffered through an "episode." I walked into my bedroom to find Mocha stretched across Sofie's lap as they both sat in the pool of curtains bathed in sunshine. I was so pleased as they've never been particularly fond of one another. I told Sofie how proud I was that she was being gentle with the cat. She said "Momma, Sofie needs tail too. You cut cat tail for me? OK. Thank you." She then made little snippy noises and motions across the cat's tail with her fingers. A bit shocked, I told her that we can't cut the cat's tail, she needs it like we need our legs. Thinking about it, Sofie declared "OK Momma. Sofie's not scared. Sofie cut tail. OK, thank you. Bye." Meanwhile, the dumbest of all animals, Mocha continued to lay draped across her lap purring. Needless to say, I have since hidden all the scissors, clippers, and knives.

Love to you all, Dee2

Summer Days

2008-07-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

Time for a new family update:

I will tell you before-hand that it has been a difficult month for my family, and if you are down right now please give yourself a break and read this later.

My Dad is being sent back to Iraq. I wish the days of war were behind us, and yet I know they are ever-increasing. My prayers seem so small against the tides of hatred and injustice.

My oldest brother is in jail. I don't want to go into the details of that situation except to say that my heart breaks for his family.

Michael is job-hunting again. The summer program he has been working for doesn't have as many enrolled now compared to the beginning of the summer so there just aren't enough hours to fill his time. Please pray something comes through this week. He has put applications in several places the last two days.

If you've seen him recently you know he has let his hair grow out into the shaggy beach look. At first he was too busy to get it cut, but now there is suspicion that he is doing it to drive his poor wife crazy. ;)

Sofie continues to be plagued by hives and itching. There doesn't seem to be a definitive answer in that area. Please pray for her healing.

Let's see, she has also developed a great love for band-aids and medicine. I can only guess she is interested in how much attention she gets from us and our exaggerated responses to her cutting her foot etc. If anyone would like to become her colored band-aid supplier please let me know as she is trying to break the bank.

In other news, we are house-hunting. Our toddler's active lifestyle has become a burden to our (extremely annoying and loud) downstairs neighbors. She needs a yard to run wild in.

Trying to keep a two-year old from making noise is stressful and unfair. We have put an offer in on a house in the Lancaster/Red Oak area that Michael really likes. Please pray for us.

Mocha is of course dreading a switch in houses, as most cats would. She makes herself ill every time we move even if it is only a five minute drive. I keep in mind that we need a house with many warm sunny spots, and just the right amount of creepy crawly creatures coming in every once in a while.

As for me, I don't know where to start. I live in the land between not-enough-sleep and chronically sick. It shares a border with no free-time and always broke. lol What can I say? We need prayer all around. ;)

Here are some pictures of my rascal.

This was our day at the beach a.k.a. the porch, a beach ball, and a Sonic slushie. :)

This is after we played in the mirror. She changed her outfit several times, and let me tie her hair up. Aren't those sunglasses cute?

This is her fluttering around with wings after finally learning how to say butterfly. She's so beautiful and clever.

We love you all. We keep you in our prayers. Dee2

I've been meaning to tell you all..

2008-07-06T15:11:00.001-07:00

The other day I was driving, and as I looked to my left I saw a man with an oversized bug-shield on his motorcycle.

I just can't understand motorcycles.

I can't understand why people would drive them. Wondering how to enter this mans mind, I looked over again. This time I noticed that he was wearing one of those blue medical masks that you see surgeons wearing on television.

Hmm. He must be taking precautionary measures against the exhaust or perhaps he has had one too many bugs fly into his mouth. I decided even though it wasn't very manly, I could respect someone who wasn't embarrassed to take on a little extra bug protection. I once had a bug fly into the back of my mouth while I was on a bicycle, and it was bad enough at a slow speed.

I looked over to give him some sort of a nod of affirmation (the official Dee Dee seal of approval), but I couldn't believe it.

I almost swerved into the concrete wall of the highway. Coming out from under his medical mask was a tube leading to an oxygen tank.

Like I said, I don't understand people who drive motorcycles. ;)

Anyway, here are some pictures of my sweet girl in her favorite imaginary characters: a lion and a pirate.

She basically runs around saying "arrgh" and wielding toys as swords. She learned about pirates on Sesame Street. Their brand of pirates are "Bookaneers," who check out books at the library as their booty. Sofie runs around and pinches your booty as her prize. lolPirate Sofie is definitely preferable to lion Sofie. As a lion she will run at your legs, and attack you as if you are a gazelle separated from the herd. Thanks for showing her documentaries Michael. ;)

Don't let your eyes stray to the pretty girl. This is actually Sofie forcing me to take a picture of her singing frog, Hop. She remonstrated him over and over to say CHEESE.
A close-up of the curls. I suspect this is where she gets her powers. A picture of her camel. You probably can't tell, but she is wearing three outfits because Mommy has quickly learned to choose her battles.
Aww, isn't she sweet? She told me she would take a picture if I gave her a cookie. What really happened is she stole my bag of cookies and hid them while I was deleting the pictures that didn't turn out. A true pirate at heart.

Love to you all, Dee Dee

July is here

2008-07-02T04:57:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this link with you about Michael presenting at SPS, and Politics of the Spirit in October.

http://sagu.edu/home/index.php/20080626174/Academics/SAGU-Student-Presents-at-the-Society-of-Pentecostal-Studies.html

A family update:

Sofie's creeping hives are mostly gone after more than 2 weeks of itching, and diet change. We never tracked down the exact cause of the hives, but altering her diet seemed to help a lot. I have to say, I am so afraid of her food allergies. Please pray we narrow things down more.

She has been becoming exceedingly more gymnastic. I am hoping we can start attending some group classes at a local gym. She can do all sorts of tumbles and cartwheels, and she loves to jump off things and stick her landing. Pray for my downstairs neighbors. ;)

Michael is loving his summer job. He has been a total stand-out, and was even offered some job opportunities from competing principals after observing him at work.

He finished up his summer class, and is now free to work on the honey-do list. Joy unspeakable.

As for me, I am enjoying summer. I've been doing some reading, enjoying friends at a local scrapbook store, and I am getting together with someone from my church to start a small group for Moms to get together during the day to pray and share lunch.

Oh, I should mention Mocha. She is in the dog house. She viciously attacked me without provocation... Well, she viciously attacked me when I was innocently trying to pose her in a gift bag for pictures. :D But you should feel sorry for me, not her, as whatever is in her claws made me sick.

I hope you all are having a nice cat-free summer. Love to you all. Dee2

Bear with Me

2008-06-16T04:49:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night. I know this is where most people stop reading. Please bear with me.

I dreamed that M, Sofie, and I were at a gymnastics meeting in a large concrete gym in the country. There was nothing in any direction for miles around. When the competition let out, about a hundred of us started pouring out of the gym. We were all startled by the swirling angry clouds.

It was clear that deadly weather was imminent.

Most of us ran back in the building with our children - terrified. M was not one of them. I ran back outside with Sofie to tell him to come inside. 20 men stood frozen in my path.

Directly in front of us was a pitch black storm descending from thousands of miles into the sky and stretching for miles across. Everywhere it touched the ground it sparked with hateful fire, and dull smoke swirled around its perimeter .

It was headed directly for us.

I could barely breathe. Two families jumped in their cars and tried to speed off. The monster storm sent tornados to snap them up.

I grabbed Sofie, who seemed unaware of the storm, and ran inside with Michael. People were cowering in fear and helplessness. The walls of the gym began to shake, and I sensed hopelessness.

A man called to us calmly. "Come sit. We are covering our children." With a curious peace, Michael and I walked over to this man and two women who were leaning over their three children younger than Sofie. I knelt down and covered Sofie and my lap. We all joined hands and began to pray.

Then it all went quiet.

A voice spoke to me. "The Lord is raging against the Earth. Flooding in the Midwest, earthquakes in the West, tsunamis in the East, blizzards in the North, and hurricanes in South. Do you think you can escape His wrath? Flee the coming wrath, turn to Him."

And then I woke up.

I don't know what to think. I am too skeptical. People speak of dreaming dreams, and I roll my eyes. They see angels, and I scoff. I doubt. I reason things away.

And yet, I can hardly ignore such a blatant message. Is He speaking to me? I can certainly do better. Obedience is hardly my strong suit.

Would he give me such a fearsome message to share with others? I fear for my friends and family who do not share my faith.

Pray for me today. Love to you all. Dee2

Oops! :)

2008-06-12T11:59:00.001-07:00

That shelf post was meant for my other blog. I suppose I should update here since you now know I am around. :)

Let's see.

Sofie has creeping hives covering roughly 1/3 of her body. We're not sure what is going on with that. She may end up going back to the doctor. Please pray for her. She is very itchy and miserable.
Here's a pic.

We bought her a new car seat this week. It is pink, and does not yet have food growing on it. Ewwww. We had such high hopes of keeping our car nice after havig a child, but it is MUCH harder than you might imagine.

Weird, just realized her hives could possibly be connected to the new car seat. We'll have to check that out. Hmm...

Sofie stayed the day at Cheryti's for our anniversary Saturday. She has hardly talked about anything else all week. Cherry is fun. Cherry has donkeys. Cherry plays hippose. Cherry has Grace. (A girl, as well as the fruit of the Spirit.:) I don't think I can live up to all the fun they had, so hopefully she will be well enough to visit again soon.

Here's a happier picture of her.

M is still not feeling 100%, allergies and all that. He LOVES his summer job. It is so sweet to have him come home after having a good time each day. He is teaching math and science for the summer with some field trips and swimming thrown in. (Don't forget your sunblock M!) He says his kids are eager to be in the classroom which I know is a nice change.

Mocha seems happier. She caught a spider who sneaked in from the porch. It was quite the chase. I think it eases the pain of not being able to attack the birds who stare into the window.

Tori the Taurus is a mean little brat who refuses to be fixed. The check engine light came back on AGAIN. I can't win with this car. I am ready to just give up and sell it, but M still thinks he can conquer it. We shall see who is standing in the end.

As for me, I'm fine. Here's the short version.

Bronchitis: Better.
Hair: Relaxed.
Friends: Visited.
Church: Thoughtful.

I am looking for something to read if anyone has a suggestion. Nothing has been striking me lately.

Oh, and if you are going to Springfield soon I want to know more about possibly coming. :) Love to you all.

Dee2

Clearing My Shelves

2008-06-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

This week I made myself finish a couple of albums that have been lingering half-done on my shelves. (There are still several more.) I really love making album covers. :)

I went ahead and listed what I had on eBay, and re-listed some other albums at great prices to make way for more. :)

PFOP has a challenge coming up June 24th-30th. I plan to get working on that as soon as I get back from my mini-vacation. I have the idea in my head (pink and frilly!!) already so hopefully it will be quick work.

I don't have any new projects to share so I thought I'd show you a pic of my scrap space.

Yes, that's right I am standing on top of a table to get the picture. It was easier than moving the table. That's it. The whole of it. I just try to work on whatever surface I can secure that day. It could be a little neater, but the best way to do that is sell something so I try not to worry about it too much. Hope you like!

We Haven't Killed Each Other Yet :)

2008-06-06T19:42:00.000-07:00

I know, not the most romantic title. :) Here are some others we thought of..

1. I know where most of you were 6 years ago tomorrow.

2. If you haven't got a thank you card yet, it's time to give up.

3. If you haven't sent a present yet, it's not too late. ;)

4. Donkeys now trot where we tied the knot.

5. 1998 Hyundai Elantra: still part of the marriage. Barely...

6. First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes diapers, sleepless nights, potty training, Barney videos, and the slow push toward insanity.

7. We still like each other. :)

A little story for your amusement. When M and I were on our Honeymoon we stayed at an uber-fancy resort that only had valet parking. The aforementioned Elantra sported a pretty fancy squealing, squeaking, crunchy noise every time the car was put into drive. Even better, once you were in the car, the only way to get out was to roll the window down, and use the outside handle. This would probably have been valuable information for the valet who parked our car 12 times that week. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Love to you all. Michael and Dee2

Faithfulness

2008-06-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

A small update:

Michael has secured a summer job through his District! He is one of very few who were selected so it is a bit of an honor. Many of you know that I have struggled with worry so much in the past, but I determined to trust that God would provide a job for Michael this summer without making myself ill with worry or endlessly searching. He has shown me His faithfulness *again*. I hope that this small example will help me to better trust Him in darker times.

My car is on the mend. Tori (the Taurus) has had some repair work done that has been ailing for a year, and is now being seen for some cosmetic work after a certain hubby dipped her nose into the back of another car. I hope to be a free woman by next week. Expect visits! :)

After a round of truly horrid antibiotics I, too, am on the mend. Sofie is still coughing, but she doesn't let that stop her from romping around the apartment like a wild animal and bossing me around.

Should I mention Mocha Roe? Hers is a very difficult life these days. There are 2 blackbirds that sit on a ledge outside our window everyday about noon and make taunting noises as she tries to sunbathe. The poor kitty is going mad trying to find a way outside. I hope she finds some solace in the 23 hours she sleeps each day...

Here are a couple of pictures of an album I made for Sofie last week.

That's it for now. Love to you all. Dee Squared

Scones, Shoes, and Keys

2008-05-28T13:37:00.001-07:00

Howdy! I thought I'd share these pics from February. :)

This is Sofie helping Momma makes tea and scones. I say this is all Faith's influence. :) Below is the curly-headed mischief maker climbing on the desk to get my lemonade.

Looking back Sofie can't even fit these clothes anymore. She's growing so fast.
Nothing new to report today. We visited the doctor and Cheryti. Lost a shoe at the first place, and my keys at the next. I'm ready for a nap! :) Love to you all. Dee Dee

Box Baby

2008-05-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

This is one of Sofie's favorite toys. Yes, that's right. A big yellow box from Costco.

An update: Sofie said her own name for the first time yesterday. This was exciting because she usually calls herself baby. So I am trying to remember to call her Sofie today to encourage this. I am hoping self-awareness will be the first step in realizing the world doesn't revolve around oneself. ;)

M has 2 weeks until his students are out for the year. We're still praying he will find a job for the summer.

Sofie and I are both sick. Please pray for us. Love to you all, Dee Dee

All chalked up

2008-05-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

It was too hot to do much outside yesterday so Sofie and I had some fun covering our porch with chalk drawings. I hope it is easier to wash off the porch than it was to wash off Sofie! There you have the sun, the ocean, a star, and Sofie's rendition of Momma (the random scribbles). :) Aren't I pretty? Stop taking pictures and color!

She was showing me how messy she was. We both decided we would never play with chalk again. :)

Love to you all, hope you have some fun in the sun.

Always on the move

2008-05-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

These pictures are from three different days last week. Sofie is always on the move exploring every nook and cranny of the apartment. The pics aren't great, but they show a little of what she does in a day.

Notice the blue barrettes and purple dress. ;)
Mocha has a love/hate relationship with Sofie. She is either being brushed with Mommy's hairbrush (HEY!!) or she is being dressed up and put in the baby doll stroller. Poor kitty.

This is the giant Elmo that Nana found at the thrift store for $3. Nice huh? Sofie rides him like a pony. lolShe wasn't climbing up into the window. She just likes to hang there. She's like a little monkey. :)

I was going to take a self-portrait, but I swear I feel like him this week.

Anyway, please please pray that my car gets fixed. It has caused so many arguments and I am weary of sharing an unreliable car with a person who is perpetually busy. These walls are driving me nuts. :)

Love to you all. Dee2

Splurge

2008-05-21T17:28:00.000-07:00

Natural Soap that won't break out my skin $5

Lip Balm that actually works: $6

A Loofah that hasn't been dragged around by the cat or toddler: $3

My Favorite Magazine $4

10 minutes to myself with the door closed: PRICELESS.

I don't often get to buy things for myself so today was nice. I sold a book to a friend, and didn't have to pay ebay fees so it was a chance to buy something usually out of the budget. :) Yum, now I smell like grapefruit.

Pretty Hair

2008-05-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share these pictures from April.

This is Sofie opening her Easter basket.

We found a really inexpensive tea set for her at the outlet stores in Hillsboro. She was so excited. It's something she likes to do with me everyday. She is learning to pour, and why we don't eat from the sugar bowl. :)

She told me she was sad right before I took this picture. I asked her why and she said "I don't want my hair pretty." lol She never wants me to touch it, but I had it tied up so it wouldn't fall in her cereal. :)

Sitting with Daddy. Notice she let him put a barrette in her hair!

We're sitting in the giant bird's nest at the zoo. Can you tell she doesn't want to stop to pose for a picture?

Daddy after a couple minutes of creative play. Yes, those are sparkly bracelets he is reluctantly wearing. :)

Michael taught Sofie about echoes yesterday. So now I have an echo following me around everywhere. I'm sure that will be fun next week. ;)

Love to you all, Dee2

Brotherly Love

2008-05-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

So this is me and my older brother Chris. The 15 year thorn in my side, lol. He probably thinks the same thing. :) Aren't we cute? Much more tame than years gone by.

I remember how fun I thought it was to lock myself in my room, and get on the phone when he was trying to talk to a girl on the line. Even now it makes me chuckle. "Did you know Chris liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes you? He wrote your name on his waaaaaall."

See my brother there on the left with the fancy blue stripe across his shirt. I think he liked the girl with the long dark hair next to him. He was so excited about having a picture of her, and I teased him mercilessly.

To be fair, he used to blame me for breaking things when he really did, and he would always wait to the very last possible second to start his chores before my Dad came home so we would both wind up in trouble.

I can't remember exactly what I was supposed to be in that pic. Maybe a punk rocker?

This is me in 8th grade and Chris in 9th. Those years were nicer to him than me! At least we both suffered through the funky sweaters together. :)

The confused years. ;)

I do remember a time when I was curled on the floor crying my heart out, and he picked me up and took me to his room and told me it would be okay. So I forgive him for most everything. :) Maybe not for dissecting all my baby dolls when we were little, and undressing all my Barbies when we were older. lol

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This is me and my sister on my wedding day. It is nice to have a sister that you can call and confirm that it is your *parents* that were crazy. :)

As children, my sister and I were quite the handful. Mom, just because you're posing doesn't mean that we are.

This is my sister smiling with glee while holding up a present. Don't let that missing tooth stop you!
He we are in our Smurf pj's and cowboy hats. Our Dad sold those hats which came in these large shipping boxes. He would make mazes out of the boxes for us to navigate and play in.

We loved playing on this pool table. My Dad converted the master bedroom into a game room. He would put the mattress on top of the pool table to sleep on at night. When guests would come over, he would move the mattress into his closet. If you look closely enough in the picture, you will see my Dad's sense of humor.

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So to all of you who have a brother or sister, I hope you will get in touch with them after reading this. At the very least you should be glad you didn't have us as as your wicked siblings. :)

Love to you all, Dee2 and Michael

Daddy Dates

2008-05-16T06:02:00.000-07:00

I have so many pictures to sort through and share with you all. This first one is one of my favorite things Sofie does around the house. She saw a Word World episode about a robot so she loves to pretend to be one. This is her self-proclaimed "Robot Baby." If only I had been able to catch a picture of poor "Robot Cat."

For the last month, Michael has been taking Sofie to the zoo Saturday Mornings. I am sure this is a secret plot to win her devotion, but who wouldn't want 3 hours to of quiet? ;) They both seem to LOVE spending the time together. It makes me very happy because she was sure missing her Daddy after the last very busy semester.

Each trip starts with a trip to get an Icee which Sofie will NOT share so if you want one, buy your own (and be quick about drinking it if you don't want her coming after yours too :).
Her favorite animal is the penguin. Her made-up word for them is Emmys. :) We have no idea why. (Very similar to the phenomenon of calling my brother Tracy "Wish" for no apparent reason.) She loves how they waddle and splash. You might want to YouTube Pingu to see how she fell in love with penguins.

This is a giant egg in the zoo playground. A rare opportunity to see her sitting still.

Aww isn't she beautiful? She is riding the Elephant statues outside of the zoo. It makes her top 5 list of why to go to the zoo: 1. Icee, 2. Penguin, 3. Pig, 4. Sticks, 5. Elephant Statue. So basically 80% of what she enjoys can be done in the parking lot. :)

So how is life in the Roe Boat?

M is finishing up one class and working on our ailing cars. He is hunting for a summer job so if you know of anything available please LMK. He says nothing is too humble. :) His 5th graders are starting to get antsy about the school year winding down. He has been rewarding good behavior with Dodge Ball at the end of the day. Somehow I think I would have found that as more of a punishment in my time. :)

Sofie has been growing by leaps and bounds. She is now wearing a size 7 shoe, and has finally grown into her 2T pants. I think she is destined to be short like her Momma.

I have been working with her on her letters. She can say and recognize them all. We are working on singing the alphabet song and writing letters. She can write an S and an O, and she is very proud when people recognize them. I am shooting for learning to write her name first.

We are making good strides with her behavior. She is saying sorry with much less drama, and seems to be genuinely remorseful at times. She also sometimes comes when I call her. lol I know some of you have wonderfully obedient children, but I am very proud of my BadButt choosing to be submissive against her own nature. I have great hopes that she will submit to Christ at a young age.

I have spent the last several months focused on building a customer base for selling my scrapbooks on ebay. I hoped to find a way to be home with Sofie, and still pay down my student loan. I've been moderately successful, and really enjoyed developing my creative side. :) I also opened a shop on Etsy this week. It is a site for people to buy and sell handmade things. You can actually make a request for anything handmade on there. I want to see if someone can make me giant sheer curtains with an owl embroidered on them. M said he wants to request someone build him a car that runs on air. He just doesn't get it. ;)

That's probably enough for today. For those of you who have been concerned, I slept a bit better last night. Thank you for your prayers and concern.

Love to you all. The Roeboats

Family

2008-05-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to start this blog for a while. So let's jump into the recent happenings around the Roe Boat.

Sofie in her new nightgown. You can kind of see how light her hair is in this picture. Should I even comment on her expression?

She informed Michael and I this week, that she does NOT like pink. She likes BLUE (which is actually purple). Sigh. She needed new clothes anyway since she has hit a growth spurt, so yesterday she picked out 3 purple shirts and this sweet red nightgown.

The 4 dozen roses I got 4 Mother's day. Aren't they sweet? Costco had them at such reasonable prices! I was terribly sick on Mother's Day, but Michael was wonderful and took care of me. Sofie did everything she could to try to get me to hop on the bed with her, but I managed to lay there moaning anyway. :)

This is Sofie playing in my craft cart. She loves to hide and play in tiny spaces. Cute unless you were doing the dishes and she disappeared, and wouldn't answer your calls. ;)

I'll try to get some pictures of Michael and I next time. :)

Love to all my family and friends. More updates soon!

I am the evil twin

2007-12-10T19:51:00.000-08:00

I have a new blog: brownpaperpackaging.blogspot.com. It's more of a creative blog, an intentionally positive perspective from someone who often fails to see that side of life.

Hmm, an update.

I am enjoying my church. There are still issues to be worked through on that front, but I can't complain about the beautiful music that is sung by a mix of ethnicities. I am relieved not to have to keep up with the high-pitched squeals of an all white female worship team. (Ouch, I know that is not very nice of me.)

The sermons have met my expectations. I have found them challenging, comforting, and Biblical. Whew! Each time I go, I fear having to endure the opposite.

I suspect it will take a long time for me to trust a pastor or church again. I don't know. Mayhaps I should have always approached this endeavor with cautious cynicism.

Sigh, I don't know when my personality changed so much. I know this part of me has always existed, but it was more of an evil twin only coming out of the woodwork on occassional moments. Eed Eed has taken over. ;)

Nothing clever or unusual

2007-11-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

Nothing clever or unusual, I am thankful for You.

You who considered me and formed me,

You knew me and made me anyway.

From my days as a chubby baby until now, this very moment

I have felt you, I have sensed your lure.

I have known your peace in the most painful & wicked human moments

Your strength has supported me when the world abused me.

Though every man be a liar, You are true.

Thank You.

Homeless

2007-11-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

The stigma is now my own. Please pray for our family as we search for a home, and pray that our Faith would be strengthened rather than weakened by this ordeal.

Thank you.

English Only Pentecostals

2007-09-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

Michael's paper proposal was accepted by the Society for Pentecostal Studies. He will be presenting it in March at Duke University. This is so amazing and intimidating. Please pray for him as he continues his research and raises the money for the trip. I am soooooooooooooooo proud of him. This is the sort of things that make our daily sacrifices worthwhile.

Red Flags

2007-09-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

Prosperity
Special Revelation
Armorbearer
We should all get on board.
Guardian Angel
Community
Leadership
Success
Reaching the people like us.

Unfortunately, there are many more. I hope I've conveyed the general idea. When someone is talking to me, I am hoping, praying, pleading with them not to raise these red flags. I know some of the words look so innocent. That's how they suck you in. Have you any to add?

You May Have Guessed

2007-08-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

You May Have Guessed

A change is in order.

I need a place of worship that inspires reverence and a desperation to get this thing right.

Community that brings genuine caring, and depth in self-sacrifice.

I need a pastor that knows my name, knows my situation, and cares.

There is so much more I could say, but my utter contempt of church as I have known it will only discourage you.

I don't want to rant.

I don't want to criticize.

I just want to belong to a church that I am not disappointed with, and truly privately ashamed of.

Pray for me friends.

The not so friendly, previously untold, unwanted, naked Truth

2007-08-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

The not so friendly, previously untold, unwanted, naked Truth

The truth is I hate my church.

It couldn't be said any plainer.

I love God. I love fellow believers. I love worshipping God. I love hearing the Bible preached. I love someone pushing me to be a better Christian, a better wife, and a better mother. I want to be vulnerable and accountable, and open to godly counsel and wisdom.

I want to share in Christ's sufferings, but why does it have to be at church? The thing I dread most in my week is going to my church. More than scrubbing toilets, putting gas in my car, or asking for assistance at Walmart. I hate it more than the feeling of biting my tongue to respect my mother, or some idiot boss. More than rush hour traffic and week long migraines.

Every time I go I die a little bit. Not in the die to yourself, be Christ's slave fashion. The put on my clown mask and big red shoes, and pretend to always smile and accept whatever bull is thrown at me kind of dying.

No, actually I don't like your big fancy facilities that robs us of the ability to pay our own bills and take care of the poor.

No, I thought the worship leader was a bit squeaky and full of herself, and the songs were so vague they could be about anybody.

No, I thought the sermon was plagarized faddish self-help crap best left in dusty Used Bookstores.

No, I don't want to come to your homegroup and have to pretend to be okay with your lack of preparation and cliqueish behavior.

No, I absolutely don't want the opportunity to minister alongside you ungrateful, unorganized charlatans with a Pharoah complex.

No, the truth is I HATE my church.

And it couldn't be any plainer than that.

Father's Day

2007-06-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

Father's Day

One scorching hot summer day, I was riding home from the neighborhood carwash with my happy-go-lucky dad.

He was amused with my storytelling: loud, boisterous, and colorful as a only a 13-yr-old girl can be. I described our new neighbors, and how I'd made friends with their 2 daughters in the same grade as myself.

One had struck me as infintely stupid as she wasn't able to spell even basic words, and I recounted this adding that it wouldn't matter as she was pretty enough to one day marry rich if she never opened her mouth.

As I continued chirping away, I could feel the whole energy of the car change. Sitting up straighter in his seat, my darkly handsome father had become unusually solemn. Tentatively asking if something was wrong, my father responded to me "it doesn't sound like the neighbors made a very good friend."

I so clearly remember my whole body overheating with embarrassment. I don't think I had ever been truly ashamed before that moment.

Growing up in the 60's in Southern Alabama, my father attended first grade in a school reluctantly undergoing mandatory integration. The only time I'd ever seen my daddy (6'3" and all muscle) cry was when he described asking his teacher why he and his friends couldn't have textbooks like the white students. In all the years of enduring racism and persecution in the Deep South, he never learned to spell basic words.

That day when I was 13 years old, my father taught me in so few words not to judge people because of what they can do or what they look like.

It's a lesson I've never forgot, and appreciate that I learned under his forgiving ears.

My dad has been absent for my life now for more years than I care to recall, but every Father's Day I find my heart stubbornly clinging to this memory of good parenting. Wherever you are, thank-you...