Word of the Year

You know how people choose a word of the year in January to define and shape their course?

I prayed and fasted and I had a hazy idea, but couldn't really define my word. I thought what came to me was too simple, and just coming from my own weariness.

It is now October, and I know, without a doubt, my word for 2012. My first instinct was right.

No.

NO.

NO!

I wish I had accepted it in January - meditated and practiced.

This year has been so difficult, and so much of it because I couldn't bring myself to say something so small.

No.

I feel like a child who asked for ice-cream, and my mother said no. But I really wanted it so I sneaked into the freezer and in my abandon ate the whole gallon.

I've made myself sick and angry and exhausted  - living out other people's expectations and dreams - filling other people's roles and ideals.

I esteemed them above God's voice.

I've considered myself dependable, reliable, and steadfast - willing to go the extra mile when other people wouldn't take the first step.

Now I see I was merely foolish.

Obedience could have spared me brokenness.

Misplaced worth, an abundance of pride, and my own headstrong will have brought me collapsed on my knees.

I am saying no.

No, I don't know better than you God. No I am not superhuman. No I am not better than anyone else.

No. I don't want to do this in my own strength.

On my own, I have poured myself out, and found that I am empty.

In Him I drink and drink and never thirst.

#no #late,butlistening