I dreamed of death

Two nights ago I dreamed that death was a figure sitting in a canoe in the middle of a quiet lake. It was shadowy and mysterious. I want to say that death was ugly and aggressive and hateful, but I wasn’t afraid. We just watched watched each other, neither moving. Death was aware of me, and I was not surprised by its closeness.

I received distressing news yesterday. The steroids have not worked to put the Churg-Strauss into remission in more than a year. My eosinophils continue to be elevated, and my labs have started to show some damage to my liver. The treatment has become a liability.

We are switching tactics, becoming more aggressive. I am going to start methotrexate in combination with the hated Prednisone. I can hardly wrap my mind around the idea of ingesting poison to make myself well.

I feel that I should be reeling, but instead I am looking out across the lake - curious.

I see the sun rising and I marvel at the beauty of God’s creativity. I delight in the warmth and crispness of a new day. I have always wondered if God set the sunrise in motion unattended, or whether He joyfully paints the sky with brilliant color each morning.

Either way, I can sense His pleasure with what He has created.

I sometimes worry about my own smallness. I am not destined to be great. Both the world and the church have laughed at my desire to be more than completely ordinary. All my life I have been put in my place by neglect, abuse, disinterest, manipulation, and fear.

And yet, He adores me. He may have set nature in motion and left it to cycle and recycle, but not me. His Word speaks to me. He is in my heart and mind correcting me, rebuking me, comforting me, and transforming me.

Created in His image, and conformed to His likeness.

Disease may take my life, but it can only deliver me utterly into His arms. Fear may threaten to overwhelm me, but I trust Him.

Psalm 112


Lora said...

For it is the Sunrise and sunset that reminds us of His greatest and ever presence; even when our eyes are blured by fact and what the reports say. But we don't live by fact or reports say, but what He says Life is! O' Life is living in the anointed prensence of God alone, where we see His goodness and grace.

For it is when we trust in Him we can walk through the fire and not be burned; we come out on the other side victories.

My prayer today is that He is your strong tower and strength, and source! You will not walk alone but our prayers, our thoughts, and actions will continually be by your side.

Love ya

Jessica said...

I love you so--you are so much more than ordinary.

Be whole, my friend

Stephanie Wilson said...

This post gave me lots to think about - beautifully written.

Praying for your healing.


Scrappinmum said...

Oh, DeeDee, I do so miss seeing the sunset and rise. In my town it is normally such a smog/fog/ or grey colored sky that seeing any beauty God has painted is almost impossible.
Today I'm going to think of you and the circle rainbow we saw on our flight home in Aug. Both amazing things but not something that just anyone gets to see and enjoy. Those who think of you as ordinary have missed getting to know the wonerful soul you are.
Many prays and praises being sung today as this is the Lord's Day. Many for you going to His ear for you to have a healthy long life and a short time on poison.
Love you!