Momma's Prayer

I didn't sleep well last night. Sofie fought the good fight about being in her own bed well past midnight. Thumper squeezed my bladder into all sorts of interesting shapes so I was forced to get up and use the restroom every hour. The nightmares have started again, and they take away all my strength.

This morning my sweet Sofie woke up at six am full of sunshine and energy, and I just had nothing. I didn't want to face the day. I cried even thinking about getting out of bed. 

Sigh. I have a feeling only the mother's will truly understand the rest of this. 

I was a witch today. 

I lost my temper over spilled juice. I pulled my hair when I stepped on ANOTHER toy. I yelled when she said my name 25 times in a row. I screamed when she pounded on the door while I took a second to use the restroom. I sent her to her room with drooped shoulders and a broken heart because I just couldn't take one more question, one more slobbery kiss, one more clanging toy, or any of the other normal 3 year old things I face in a day. 

How will I ever get through 15 more years without being the worst excuse for a mother any child ever had? How do I keep from disappointing her? How can I face a day of mothering when my very bones seem ready to collapse from so little sleep? Who am I to teach her manners when I can be so cutting? How will she learn God's love from a Mom who demands perfection in every area, and yet struggles to be even an average mother? 

I love my daughter. I love her fierce will - even though she battles my every decision and action. I love her curly hair that resists taming. I love her big brown eyes so like my own, always watching and weighing. I love how much energy and creativity she has, so like her father. I love teaching her about our world, and trying to set a good example for her.

But there are days like today.

I honestly wish she'd forget, but more importantly I hope she can learn to forgive me. I suspect perfection isn't around my next corner. 

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As you lay here asleep on my lap with my tears dripping onto your nightgown, I want you to know that I am sorry Momma was a witch today. I'm sorry I was impatient with your curiosity. I'm sorry that I let my selfishness push your needs aside. I'm sorry that I didn't play enough, listen enough, and worse love enough. I have asked God to forgive me, renew me, and strengthen me for the privilege of being your Mommy tomorrow. I love you, and my dearest hope is that you can one day count yourself blessed to have been my child. 

I'm going to put you in your bed soon, but for just a little while I'll hold you close and pray all my love sweeps into your dreams. 


1 comment

Anonymous said...

Stop beating yourself up. Out of all the moms in this world I know, you have to be the best :)

I won't even go into my shortcomings as a mother. You are well aware of them first hand.

I can only tell you about my feelings about my own mom. I am sure she got tired, she did have seven kids. I am sure she didn't want hear the call of "MOMMY" a million times over the years and I am sure that she got sick of us breaking her stuff and wrecking the house and spoiling a lot of her plans. But I don't remember much of any of those episodes. What I do remember is my mom combing my hair every single morning. Even though it hurt and I was super jealous that my sisters didn't have to be tortured like that, I remember how she spent those 20 minutes every single morning fixing my hair just right. I remember her coming to me in the middle of the night when I had a fever or a tummy ache. I remember her holding me when I was scared and I remember her feeding me when I was hungry. I remember her fixing my doll that I threw against the wall and broke its head off. I remember her taking me to dance lessons, band practice, girl scouts, and every other thing that I did. I remember her making special desserts just for me. I remember her telling me stories and taking me to the library. I could write a book about all of the wonderful loving memories I have of her. Thats what kids remember. They remember a mother's loving touch and kind words. There is no need to hold onto memories of moms bad days, thats just life. What is special is the tender loving moments my mother gave to me that no one else could possibly have ever given me. I miss her so much it makes my heart ache. I wish I could be there with her, to see her everyday, to hear her laugh everyday, to continue to learn from her everyday. Sofie is going to treasure you as much as I do my mom. Put your weary head to rest and get some sleep. Throw that guilty feeling out with the trash in the morning and just remember when you wake up, you have a little girl that can't wait to see you, who loves you with every breath of her soul. To her, you are her world and you are all that matters. love you honey bunny