March Update

I have some pictures from the last 8 days. I am determined to get the camera out a bit more. :)

This is Sofie last week right after we woke up. 

The scrunchy in her hair was SO cute, but it only lasted about 3 minutes before she decided we need to put barrettes in her hair instead. 
Where are her pants you ask? I say give me credit for getting her to keep a shirt on! She was actually trying to get me to take pics of her new panties from Nana, but she wouldn't hold still long enough to catch them. 
Here she is giving a tour of room. The pictures show it off counter-clockwise.

Book and toy shelves. Half her toys aren't even on the shelves like they should be. 
Favorite places to sit: bean bag and her Ikea egg chair. The egg chair closes completely so she can hide things from Momma in there. Today I found a marker and a screwdriver. Guess we need to have Daddy empty his pockets out of her reach. 
Her baby care items. Well, the ones that haven't taken a beating. 
Her new bed from Papa, and a blankie we got in the mail today from Nana. I'm not sure if it was for her or the new baby, but Sofie claimed it first. ;)
This is her pretending to take a nap. A mother can dream.. Oh! Notice the scratch on her face? Well, the nursery at church called it a scratch, but it's much more like a cut. Do not send my kid back to me with a cut on her beautiful face, and NO IDEA how it got there. Grrrr.
This is her trying to pose Elmo. She kept telling me I was taking the pic wrong because it was supposed to be Elmo's head, not hers. I didn't think you all would be as fond of Elmo pics as she is. 
She consented to a picture if I let her wear the dress we got for Hope's wedding. She was not happy about washing the chocolate off her hands first. I'm sure if M were here he'd make some joke about Hope's wedding colors being chocolate and champagne.
Aww isn't she beautiful? She told me I had to take a picture for the prince who is hoping Mary. I think she meant marrying Hope. lol
And this is right before she set off into 5 minutes of swirling her dress around. :)

I hope you're all having a good week. I will post pictures of me and the boy bump soon. Love to you all. 

Dee Dee

Momma's Prayer

I didn't sleep well last night. Sofie fought the good fight about being in her own bed well past midnight. Thumper squeezed my bladder into all sorts of interesting shapes so I was forced to get up and use the restroom every hour. The nightmares have started again, and they take away all my strength.

This morning my sweet Sofie woke up at six am full of sunshine and energy, and I just had nothing. I didn't want to face the day. I cried even thinking about getting out of bed. 

Sigh. I have a feeling only the mother's will truly understand the rest of this. 

I was a witch today. 

I lost my temper over spilled juice. I pulled my hair when I stepped on ANOTHER toy. I yelled when she said my name 25 times in a row. I screamed when she pounded on the door while I took a second to use the restroom. I sent her to her room with drooped shoulders and a broken heart because I just couldn't take one more question, one more slobbery kiss, one more clanging toy, or any of the other normal 3 year old things I face in a day. 

How will I ever get through 15 more years without being the worst excuse for a mother any child ever had? How do I keep from disappointing her? How can I face a day of mothering when my very bones seem ready to collapse from so little sleep? Who am I to teach her manners when I can be so cutting? How will she learn God's love from a Mom who demands perfection in every area, and yet struggles to be even an average mother? 

I love my daughter. I love her fierce will - even though she battles my every decision and action. I love her curly hair that resists taming. I love her big brown eyes so like my own, always watching and weighing. I love how much energy and creativity she has, so like her father. I love teaching her about our world, and trying to set a good example for her.

But there are days like today.

I honestly wish she'd forget, but more importantly I hope she can learn to forgive me. I suspect perfection isn't around my next corner. 

__________________________________________

As you lay here asleep on my lap with my tears dripping onto your nightgown, I want you to know that I am sorry Momma was a witch today. I'm sorry I was impatient with your curiosity. I'm sorry that I let my selfishness push your needs aside. I'm sorry that I didn't play enough, listen enough, and worse love enough. I have asked God to forgive me, renew me, and strengthen me for the privilege of being your Mommy tomorrow. I love you, and my dearest hope is that you can one day count yourself blessed to have been my child. 

I'm going to put you in your bed soon, but for just a little while I'll hold you close and pray all my love sweeps into your dreams.